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Thursday, April 28, 2011
Going Nowhere, Chapter Twenty: Indefinite Hiatus
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Going Nowhere, Chapter Nineteen: Been Missing You
Having three people in the house complicates certain things. Mostly privacy. With Stan, he’s so busy and off in his own little world, I can indulge in my secret. With Naomi here, it’s harder. I am aware that she knows about my secret and is comfortable with it, but still my privacy is my privacy and I don’t want anyone to feel that I am imposing myself onto them. Making someone else comfortable makes me comfortable, so to speak. Getting a chance to wear a diaper without worrying if someone will barge in and see me in that position makes me nervous. So nervous, I can’t enjoy it when I want to.
There are days, though, that I get my way. Naomi and Stan would both be out and I can, even in a short amount of time, enjoy it like no other satisfaction. On days like today, I am eager like a child on Christmas. Stan and Naomi both work today. Stan was able to get Naomi a job at Breaking Music as a clerk, albeit the fact she has little knowledge of music and it’s inner workings. Steve and Jimmy took the day off to go to a Basketball game, but Stan is smart enough to help Naomi out if ever she was put in a tough spot. She’s getting it though.
Stan and Naomi left twenty minutes ago. I laid in bed, enjoying my wet diaper which I was wearing from the night before. I woke up right when they left and soiled it for the hell of it. I just basked in that warm feeling, but as it started to cool off, the feeling went away. I hopped out of bed and changed my diaper. The feeling of that fresh diaper was so wonderful, words make it hard to describe. All I want to do is get my stuff turtle and pacifier and lay in bed some more.
Finally, as I grew tired of just lying in bed for so long, I decided to be active in my diaper. I would go around the house and do chores. I started with laundry. As I piled clothes after clothes into the washer, I found myself every now and then bringing my hand to my side and feeling my diaper. The thick padding cushioned my skin and the plastic was so smooth against my thighs.
Next chore was to vacuum. The vacuum hummed quietly against the carpeted floor as I moved with it. Periodically, I would look down at my diaper, then the floor, then my diaper, then the floor. I walked all over the house, taking my time vacuuming. The cold air brushing up my legs was comforting, yet the diapered area stayed warm and snug, creating a odd, yet pleasing, contrast.
When I was done, I realized I had completed all the chores needed to be done. There was not much to do, I’m afraid, other then watch some TV, play video games and read. I had no interest for any at the moment, but I settled for television. I looked through the movies, Trying to find something that wouldn’t ruin my time in my diaper. I settled on a comedy film, but I paid no attention to it. I felt my morning bowel movement calling. As I sat on the couch, I pondered whether or not I should do it. I could go into the bathroom, pull the diaper down and go in there. No fuss, no muss. But, I had this inner desire poking at me. It has been so long since I had something like that. No one was here, why not?
I sat there naturally, waiting for it to pass without me forcing it. Eventually, it will all come out and it will feel great. I turned off the TV and just sat there in silence. The clock in the other room could be heard ticking melodically. Time was passing by slowing as the feeling grew bigger. I waited, and waited. The pain in my stomach grew and I could feel it coming. Finally, after several minutes of just waiting for it to happen, it came. Warmth filled my diaper as I relieved myself in it. I could feel it squishing and the odor hit me like a truck. This was something I didn’t want to stick around.
I got up and walked to the bathroom, moving carefully. I removed the dirty diaper and wiped off all excrement. I immediately disposed of the diaper, wrapping it in a plastic bag first. Then, I got into the shower and cleaned myself off. I was in there for several minutes before I completed my normal shower routine. After which, I dried myself off, put on a new shirt and fastened, yet again, another diaper. I was making the best of this day, no matter what.
I went back downstairs and went back to watching TV. I became bored, however, and went back upstairs to check my email and playing some games. I sat on my bed playing my game console when I realized that the batteries in my controller were dead. I faintly remember having some in my bottom drawer in my night stand. I got up and began to search for them. Moving aside several pieces of junk and knick knacks I had laying In there, I finally found one, but I continued searching for the second one I knew was in there. My mind was so into what I was doing, I didn’t hear the door swing open. I did, however, hear the very loud yell of a surprised female, the kind that you hear when they see someone naked.
I turned to see Naomi trying to hold back her laughter as she looked upon me with her hazel eyes. I grabbed a bed sheet and cover myself and immediately exclaimed, “What are you doing here?”
“Sorry, I left work early and I wanted to see if you were awake to go to lunch.”
“Jesus, you can’t knock?”
“Sorry,” she paused for a second, snickering, “It’s not like I didn’t know about that, at least.”
“Yeah, but did you have to scream? You scared me so bad.” I started to laugh along with her.
“I’m really sorry. I totally forgot about the diaper thing.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry too for yelling.”
“So, you want to go to lunch?”
“Yeah, just let me change.”
“Oh, you don’t need to change. I mean, yeah, put on pants, but you can wear the diaper.”
“Oh no, it’s fine, I can put on some underwear.”
“No, please, I insist.”
There was no use in arguing with a female. Unless your intention is to hurt them, the causes do not justify the means. I knew this from experience back home. I complied, left the diaper on and put a pair of jeans over them. We got into her car and drove to a restaurant. On the way, she explained that she traded shifts with another employee so he could go to a metal show this week. All this time, I sat on pins and needles. Wearing a diaper in front of someone and them consciously knowing about it is something I’m not used to.
We arrived at the place within minutes, were seated, ordered, and waited patiently for our food. I tried to keep the table talk off track of diapers, but Naomi works in sneaky ways. Perhaps too sneaky for her own good. “So, what were you doing when I walked in on you?” She asked.
“Looking for batteries.”
“Do you always need to wear a diaper when you look for things.” As the words poured out, I blushed and buried my face in the table. “You don’t need to be embarrassed.” She said as she laughed. I really wasn’t, but I wanted to play the part. “I think it’s cute, to be honest.”
“Thank you.” I said with my head raised, now resting on my arm.
“So, what else did you do in the diaper?”
“Chores, mostly. I vacuumed, I did the laundry. Watched TV.”
“Is that all?”
“All that I’m going to say.”
“Oh, you didn’t. Did you use it too?” I smiled and looked away. “You did? Oh, you are so gross.”
“Yeah, but from the way I see it, you don’t reach fulfillment unless you do.”
“True, true.”
“I wish I was wearing underwear right now.”
“Please, I’m trying not to make you embarrassed. That’s why I told you to keep it on.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Besides, it doesn’t bother me.”
“Yeah, it bothers me a bit. Perhaps it’s just being uncomfortable around someone who knows.”
“Don’t be. God, I remember changing Maya’s diapers. Hated it, but I always tried to remember those time when I did wear a diaper. I can’t even get past 1st grade, let alone those diapered years.”
“Yeah, I was always curious how I became to intrigued by it. I started wearing again when I was Thirteen. I was at my grandma’s house and she wasn’t home. I can’t remember why, but she wasn’t there. I was just walking around, looking through drawers and stuff because I was a little curious bastard. I went upstairs, opened her closet and found a bag of adult diapers stuffed in the corner. I unfolded it and suddenly it all came back to me. I put it on, and I’ve been doing that ever since.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” A brief moment of silence occurred. “I’ve missed you, Brian.” She said.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
We came home around 2:00. I went upstairs to get out of this diaper finally and put on some regular underwear. I haven’t used it, but am just anxious to have it off and going on with my day without worrying about being caught in a diaper. I entered my room, closed the door and took off my belt. I set it on my bed and let my pants fall around to my ankles. My hand rubbed itself over the front of my diaper, squeezing it to hear the crinkle and feel the soft fabric against my skin.
From behind me, the door opened. I hear it this time and turn to see Naomi coming in and closing the door. Instinctively, my hands pick up my jeans and pulled them to my waist. “What’s up?” I asked. She came close to me, silencing me with her lips locked onto me. Her arms wrap around me as mine do the same. I held her body close, embracing her love. Our lips parted and she says one thing, “I’ve really missed you.”
I was crazy about him from the moment I saw him. His dark brown hair and hazel eyes reminded me of fall and the happiness it brought me as a child. His gentle, caring nature showcased an innocence that brought me back to my younger years, when Santa was real and there was no evil in the world. I made excuses to be near him and get to know him, like helping me with the groceries and having him baby sit Maya. I found myself fond of his every feature. Even the diapers, something that people would find strange, I found it unique and pleasing. It added more to his innocence. I fell in love with him because he reminded me of a child. Someone not corrupted by drugs, gangs, alcoholism, murder, rape, and the media. He was a free spirit and he was real. When he was gone, all I could think about was him. Every time I received bad news, I thought of him and how he could always make me feel better. When things got to their worse, he was all I could think of and the only person I wanted to help me. I wanted his love. I’ve never thought love was real until I found him.
There are days, though, that I get my way. Naomi and Stan would both be out and I can, even in a short amount of time, enjoy it like no other satisfaction. On days like today, I am eager like a child on Christmas. Stan and Naomi both work today. Stan was able to get Naomi a job at Breaking Music as a clerk, albeit the fact she has little knowledge of music and it’s inner workings. Steve and Jimmy took the day off to go to a Basketball game, but Stan is smart enough to help Naomi out if ever she was put in a tough spot. She’s getting it though.
Stan and Naomi left twenty minutes ago. I laid in bed, enjoying my wet diaper which I was wearing from the night before. I woke up right when they left and soiled it for the hell of it. I just basked in that warm feeling, but as it started to cool off, the feeling went away. I hopped out of bed and changed my diaper. The feeling of that fresh diaper was so wonderful, words make it hard to describe. All I want to do is get my stuff turtle and pacifier and lay in bed some more.
Finally, as I grew tired of just lying in bed for so long, I decided to be active in my diaper. I would go around the house and do chores. I started with laundry. As I piled clothes after clothes into the washer, I found myself every now and then bringing my hand to my side and feeling my diaper. The thick padding cushioned my skin and the plastic was so smooth against my thighs.
Next chore was to vacuum. The vacuum hummed quietly against the carpeted floor as I moved with it. Periodically, I would look down at my diaper, then the floor, then my diaper, then the floor. I walked all over the house, taking my time vacuuming. The cold air brushing up my legs was comforting, yet the diapered area stayed warm and snug, creating a odd, yet pleasing, contrast.
When I was done, I realized I had completed all the chores needed to be done. There was not much to do, I’m afraid, other then watch some TV, play video games and read. I had no interest for any at the moment, but I settled for television. I looked through the movies, Trying to find something that wouldn’t ruin my time in my diaper. I settled on a comedy film, but I paid no attention to it. I felt my morning bowel movement calling. As I sat on the couch, I pondered whether or not I should do it. I could go into the bathroom, pull the diaper down and go in there. No fuss, no muss. But, I had this inner desire poking at me. It has been so long since I had something like that. No one was here, why not?
I sat there naturally, waiting for it to pass without me forcing it. Eventually, it will all come out and it will feel great. I turned off the TV and just sat there in silence. The clock in the other room could be heard ticking melodically. Time was passing by slowing as the feeling grew bigger. I waited, and waited. The pain in my stomach grew and I could feel it coming. Finally, after several minutes of just waiting for it to happen, it came. Warmth filled my diaper as I relieved myself in it. I could feel it squishing and the odor hit me like a truck. This was something I didn’t want to stick around.
I got up and walked to the bathroom, moving carefully. I removed the dirty diaper and wiped off all excrement. I immediately disposed of the diaper, wrapping it in a plastic bag first. Then, I got into the shower and cleaned myself off. I was in there for several minutes before I completed my normal shower routine. After which, I dried myself off, put on a new shirt and fastened, yet again, another diaper. I was making the best of this day, no matter what.
I went back downstairs and went back to watching TV. I became bored, however, and went back upstairs to check my email and playing some games. I sat on my bed playing my game console when I realized that the batteries in my controller were dead. I faintly remember having some in my bottom drawer in my night stand. I got up and began to search for them. Moving aside several pieces of junk and knick knacks I had laying In there, I finally found one, but I continued searching for the second one I knew was in there. My mind was so into what I was doing, I didn’t hear the door swing open. I did, however, hear the very loud yell of a surprised female, the kind that you hear when they see someone naked.
I turned to see Naomi trying to hold back her laughter as she looked upon me with her hazel eyes. I grabbed a bed sheet and cover myself and immediately exclaimed, “What are you doing here?”
“Sorry, I left work early and I wanted to see if you were awake to go to lunch.”
“Jesus, you can’t knock?”
“Sorry,” she paused for a second, snickering, “It’s not like I didn’t know about that, at least.”
“Yeah, but did you have to scream? You scared me so bad.” I started to laugh along with her.
“I’m really sorry. I totally forgot about the diaper thing.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry too for yelling.”
“So, you want to go to lunch?”
“Yeah, just let me change.”
“Oh, you don’t need to change. I mean, yeah, put on pants, but you can wear the diaper.”
“Oh no, it’s fine, I can put on some underwear.”
“No, please, I insist.”
There was no use in arguing with a female. Unless your intention is to hurt them, the causes do not justify the means. I knew this from experience back home. I complied, left the diaper on and put a pair of jeans over them. We got into her car and drove to a restaurant. On the way, she explained that she traded shifts with another employee so he could go to a metal show this week. All this time, I sat on pins and needles. Wearing a diaper in front of someone and them consciously knowing about it is something I’m not used to.
We arrived at the place within minutes, were seated, ordered, and waited patiently for our food. I tried to keep the table talk off track of diapers, but Naomi works in sneaky ways. Perhaps too sneaky for her own good. “So, what were you doing when I walked in on you?” She asked.
“Looking for batteries.”
“Do you always need to wear a diaper when you look for things.” As the words poured out, I blushed and buried my face in the table. “You don’t need to be embarrassed.” She said as she laughed. I really wasn’t, but I wanted to play the part. “I think it’s cute, to be honest.”
“Thank you.” I said with my head raised, now resting on my arm.
“So, what else did you do in the diaper?”
“Chores, mostly. I vacuumed, I did the laundry. Watched TV.”
“Is that all?”
“All that I’m going to say.”
“Oh, you didn’t. Did you use it too?” I smiled and looked away. “You did? Oh, you are so gross.”
“Yeah, but from the way I see it, you don’t reach fulfillment unless you do.”
“True, true.”
“I wish I was wearing underwear right now.”
“Please, I’m trying not to make you embarrassed. That’s why I told you to keep it on.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Besides, it doesn’t bother me.”
“Yeah, it bothers me a bit. Perhaps it’s just being uncomfortable around someone who knows.”
“Don’t be. God, I remember changing Maya’s diapers. Hated it, but I always tried to remember those time when I did wear a diaper. I can’t even get past 1st grade, let alone those diapered years.”
“Yeah, I was always curious how I became to intrigued by it. I started wearing again when I was Thirteen. I was at my grandma’s house and she wasn’t home. I can’t remember why, but she wasn’t there. I was just walking around, looking through drawers and stuff because I was a little curious bastard. I went upstairs, opened her closet and found a bag of adult diapers stuffed in the corner. I unfolded it and suddenly it all came back to me. I put it on, and I’ve been doing that ever since.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” A brief moment of silence occurred. “I’ve missed you, Brian.” She said.
“I’ve missed you, too.”
We came home around 2:00. I went upstairs to get out of this diaper finally and put on some regular underwear. I haven’t used it, but am just anxious to have it off and going on with my day without worrying about being caught in a diaper. I entered my room, closed the door and took off my belt. I set it on my bed and let my pants fall around to my ankles. My hand rubbed itself over the front of my diaper, squeezing it to hear the crinkle and feel the soft fabric against my skin.
From behind me, the door opened. I hear it this time and turn to see Naomi coming in and closing the door. Instinctively, my hands pick up my jeans and pulled them to my waist. “What’s up?” I asked. She came close to me, silencing me with her lips locked onto me. Her arms wrap around me as mine do the same. I held her body close, embracing her love. Our lips parted and she says one thing, “I’ve really missed you.”
I was crazy about him from the moment I saw him. His dark brown hair and hazel eyes reminded me of fall and the happiness it brought me as a child. His gentle, caring nature showcased an innocence that brought me back to my younger years, when Santa was real and there was no evil in the world. I made excuses to be near him and get to know him, like helping me with the groceries and having him baby sit Maya. I found myself fond of his every feature. Even the diapers, something that people would find strange, I found it unique and pleasing. It added more to his innocence. I fell in love with him because he reminded me of a child. Someone not corrupted by drugs, gangs, alcoholism, murder, rape, and the media. He was a free spirit and he was real. When he was gone, all I could think about was him. Every time I received bad news, I thought of him and how he could always make me feel better. When things got to their worse, he was all I could think of and the only person I wanted to help me. I wanted his love. I’ve never thought love was real until I found him.
Going Nowhere, Chapter Eighteen: The Morning After
The morning was bright, border lining blinding. Every sound doesn’t sound loud, but it feels loud. Michelle slept quietly with her forehead against the window, fogging a small area with her breath. Stan is driving, showing little signs of exhaustion after driving all night. He brakes a little and several empty cans tumble together on the floor board. A mix of silver beer cans and tall, flashy energy drink cans are piled in the passenger seat , as well as being scattered across this cheap van. Behind us, we are pulling a trailer filled with our equipment. We were heading home after doing several shows on the Warped Tour. Last night was our farewell party put together by the other bands that were leaving as well. I was still feeling the affects of that party. I wish I had a diaper right now and I can’t wait to put one on when I get home.
“Ohh…”, I moaned.
“Morning, man.” Stan greeted as he drifted into the next lane.
“What time is it?”
“Almost 9:00.”
“I need some food.”
“Yeah, I’m going to stop off soon to get gas and we can get something to eat then.”
“How you feeling?” I asked as I pushed all the cans off of the passenger seat and sat in it.
“Alright. Need to sleep, though.”
“How many?” My hand held up a crushed can that once was a energy drink.
“About Six or Seven.”
“Holy shit.”
“I know, right?”
“You haven’t crashed yet?”
“Nope.”
“You will, soon, like a zeppelin.”
“In a ball of fire.”
“Blazing.”
“Haha.”
We stopped at a gas station in this small desert town with some sophisticated features. From the looks of it, desert seemed fitting from a far perspective, but up close, it had some redeeming qualities. The concrete was solid and clean, which amazed me to believed that fact because I hadn’t thought it would exist to begin with. When desert comes to mind, I think dirt, dirt and more dirt. Maybe a cactus, tumble weeds and the expression on life’s face when looking at the end of the world. Surprisingly, I couldn’t see it from here, so we must be good.
After that, we stopped at a café to eat. It was pretty decent, not like the retro 50’s diners that are sometimes the place of a murder scene in cheap horror movie. The carpeted floors were clean, the booths were busy and the sun shined through the clear window, illuminating the restaurant and raising spirits. My headache was still bothering me, though. Michelle was quiet, still coming out of her slumber and before we could sit down, Stan hit the floor harder then gravity taking it’s vengeance on flightless animals. At the table, he laid his head down and fell asleep, snoring quietly in his arm. Michelle brought my attention to him, laughing quietly as to not wake him up. Stan, you may think you’re the devil, but you’re not.
Within moments of being seated, the waitress came up, bright with a smile and the sun beating against her pale skin. Her hair was as red as a rose in full bloom and her wrinkles were hid naturally by her gleaming white teeth and heavy amount of makeup. Michelle and I ordered our food, as well as ordering for Stan. Michelle nudged him several times before he finally awoke, frustrated to learn we already ordered for him and that what we had ordered was exactly what he wanted. “Am I that predictable?” He asked.
“No, lucky guess.” Michelle assured.
“God, I’m so tired.”
“I’ll drive the rest of the way back to LA.” I told him.
“Thank you” He let out a big yawn, “So, what are we going to do when we get back?”
“Rest.” Michelle lamented.
“I hear that.”
“I’m going to write, like always.” I said while flipping through the little laminated pamflet detailing the desert selection.
“Are you already thinking about a second album?”
“No, not really. Just want to write new stuff, you know.”
“Yeah, that sounds cool.”
“I got a few things in mind, but-” my sentence was interrupted by my cell phone beeping. It’s ringing buzzed in my pocket, vibrating against my skin. I answered it, waiting to hear the voice on the other end. The other voice was female, bringing back memories of a time forgotten. “Brian?”
“Hello?”
“This is Naomi.”
“Naomi! Who are you? Man, it’s been so long since we’ve talked.”
“Yes, I just wanted to call to say and hi and to let you know that I’m in LA.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, I wanted to come visit you and see how you are doing.”
“That’s great, but I’m not in LA right now.”
“Where are you?”
“About three hours away. We are on our way home and I should be there sometime after noon.”
“Okay, what is your address so I can meet you there.” I told her my address, repeating it several times before she had it written down correctly. “You can enter and make yourself at home once you get there. There is a spare key under one of the pots.” I told her.
“Thanks Brian. See you there in a while.”
“Cool, see you there. Bye”
“Bye.” I collapsed my phone and placed it back in my pocket. Stan and Michelle looked at me with curious eyes. “Who was that?” Stan asked.
“Friend. I knew her back in Fresno.”
“What kind of friend?” Michelle said in a playful attitude.
“Not that kind of friend.”
“Sure, sure.”
The last hour was murder. I had to piss so bad. I kept my leg crossed and my mind off it. I was nervous that my former habits would kick in and I would pee all over myself. Despite Michelle and Stan being two close friends of mine, I am not comfortable discussing my hidden lifestyle with them. I don’t know why, I’m just not, but then again, do they need to know?
It’s been a long time since I had seen Naomi. We’ve talked on the phone a few times, but I haven’t seen her face to face since I left Fresno so long ago. I am anxious to see her. I wonder about what the time apart from each other has done to her life. On the way, Stan and Michelle opted to let me have my time with Naomi and unload the equipment by themselves without my help.
We drove up to my apartment and they dropped me off on the sidewalk. I watched them drive away and turn the corner as I walked up the steps to my door. I opened the unlock door and let out a big hello to see if anyone was here or not. Immediately, Naomi responded from the living room. I walked in to see her resting on my couch watching TV. She looked no different from the day I left for LA, albeit a shorter haircut. She smiled big, jumped off the couch and gave me a big hug. Her perfume was so potent and weakening, I almost missed the tear in her eye. “Naomi, what’s wrong?”
“Brian, I just missed you that’s all.”
“How have you been? You look great!”
“Thanks. So do you.”
“Where Maya? Did you bring her along?”
“No, She’s at my sister’s house in Nevada.”
“Oh, okay. What brings you to LA?”
“I wanted to see you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. I missed you so much.”
“Okay.”
I found it a bit odd that she would come all the way to Los Angeles to visit me. In my head, I thought of the relationship we had and if it constituted driving to LA from Fresno. Perhaps not, but I do not want to think ill of my dear friend. I think, however, that she is here with some other motive than me. We spent the next hour or so talking about my band and our progress. She was delighted to her about making the record and touring. When I was finished, I asked about Maya and her work. She was hesitant to speak at first, which worried me. “Naomi, what’s going on?”
“Brian…”
“Yes.”
“Things are bad for Maya and I. We got kicked out of our apartment and we have no place to stay. I sent her to my sister’s for the time being while I tried to find a new place to live.”
“What? How did you get kicked out?”
“I got laid off from work and have had trouble finding a new job.”
“Oh my god. Are you and Maya doing okay at least?”
“We are doing fine. I looked all over Fresno and couldn’t find any place I could afford. I was running out ideas and finally thought that maybe you could help.”
“Me?”
“Yes. My sister’s got five kids and a job under her. She’s got her hands too full to help me. Maya is only staying there for a little while until I can find a place. I have so few friends, I didn‘t know where else to go.”
“Well, how can I help?”
“I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while until I can find a job and a new place to stay here in Los Angeles.”
“Well, sure Naomi. Anything you want. I will gladly help you out.”
“Thank you. I’m so glad you are my friend.” We embraced each other, hugging for several minutes. In myself, feelings swirled that I have never felt before. At least not awake. These are feeling I remember having when I dream. The serene feeling of comfort that I always desired. Why do I have this feeling now, I wondered.
At first, I questioned myself on why I was so open to let her stay here. Perhaps it has something to do with these feelings. Also, the fact I know she would not turn to be if she had no other options. She had little family, save for her sister and cousins. Having dropped out of high school and make her why though school while supporting a child made finding friends difficult for her. Maybe I am her only friend, or something more.
I called Stan and alerted him of the situation. I asked if either Jimmy or Steve could get her a job at Breaking Music, at least for the time being. He told me he would look into it, which assured me somewhat. While she is working there, she could look into getting back into the nursing profession at least. After that, she could continue to get herself back onto her feet, like she has for the past few years now. It’s all I can do for how she picked me up when I was down. I am in her debt, for lack of a better word and I not unhappy about.
“Ohh…”, I moaned.
“Morning, man.” Stan greeted as he drifted into the next lane.
“What time is it?”
“Almost 9:00.”
“I need some food.”
“Yeah, I’m going to stop off soon to get gas and we can get something to eat then.”
“How you feeling?” I asked as I pushed all the cans off of the passenger seat and sat in it.
“Alright. Need to sleep, though.”
“How many?” My hand held up a crushed can that once was a energy drink.
“About Six or Seven.”
“Holy shit.”
“I know, right?”
“You haven’t crashed yet?”
“Nope.”
“You will, soon, like a zeppelin.”
“In a ball of fire.”
“Blazing.”
“Haha.”
We stopped at a gas station in this small desert town with some sophisticated features. From the looks of it, desert seemed fitting from a far perspective, but up close, it had some redeeming qualities. The concrete was solid and clean, which amazed me to believed that fact because I hadn’t thought it would exist to begin with. When desert comes to mind, I think dirt, dirt and more dirt. Maybe a cactus, tumble weeds and the expression on life’s face when looking at the end of the world. Surprisingly, I couldn’t see it from here, so we must be good.
After that, we stopped at a café to eat. It was pretty decent, not like the retro 50’s diners that are sometimes the place of a murder scene in cheap horror movie. The carpeted floors were clean, the booths were busy and the sun shined through the clear window, illuminating the restaurant and raising spirits. My headache was still bothering me, though. Michelle was quiet, still coming out of her slumber and before we could sit down, Stan hit the floor harder then gravity taking it’s vengeance on flightless animals. At the table, he laid his head down and fell asleep, snoring quietly in his arm. Michelle brought my attention to him, laughing quietly as to not wake him up. Stan, you may think you’re the devil, but you’re not.
Within moments of being seated, the waitress came up, bright with a smile and the sun beating against her pale skin. Her hair was as red as a rose in full bloom and her wrinkles were hid naturally by her gleaming white teeth and heavy amount of makeup. Michelle and I ordered our food, as well as ordering for Stan. Michelle nudged him several times before he finally awoke, frustrated to learn we already ordered for him and that what we had ordered was exactly what he wanted. “Am I that predictable?” He asked.
“No, lucky guess.” Michelle assured.
“God, I’m so tired.”
“I’ll drive the rest of the way back to LA.” I told him.
“Thank you” He let out a big yawn, “So, what are we going to do when we get back?”
“Rest.” Michelle lamented.
“I hear that.”
“I’m going to write, like always.” I said while flipping through the little laminated pamflet detailing the desert selection.
“Are you already thinking about a second album?”
“No, not really. Just want to write new stuff, you know.”
“Yeah, that sounds cool.”
“I got a few things in mind, but-” my sentence was interrupted by my cell phone beeping. It’s ringing buzzed in my pocket, vibrating against my skin. I answered it, waiting to hear the voice on the other end. The other voice was female, bringing back memories of a time forgotten. “Brian?”
“Hello?”
“This is Naomi.”
“Naomi! Who are you? Man, it’s been so long since we’ve talked.”
“Yes, I just wanted to call to say and hi and to let you know that I’m in LA.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, I wanted to come visit you and see how you are doing.”
“That’s great, but I’m not in LA right now.”
“Where are you?”
“About three hours away. We are on our way home and I should be there sometime after noon.”
“Okay, what is your address so I can meet you there.” I told her my address, repeating it several times before she had it written down correctly. “You can enter and make yourself at home once you get there. There is a spare key under one of the pots.” I told her.
“Thanks Brian. See you there in a while.”
“Cool, see you there. Bye”
“Bye.” I collapsed my phone and placed it back in my pocket. Stan and Michelle looked at me with curious eyes. “Who was that?” Stan asked.
“Friend. I knew her back in Fresno.”
“What kind of friend?” Michelle said in a playful attitude.
“Not that kind of friend.”
“Sure, sure.”
The last hour was murder. I had to piss so bad. I kept my leg crossed and my mind off it. I was nervous that my former habits would kick in and I would pee all over myself. Despite Michelle and Stan being two close friends of mine, I am not comfortable discussing my hidden lifestyle with them. I don’t know why, I’m just not, but then again, do they need to know?
It’s been a long time since I had seen Naomi. We’ve talked on the phone a few times, but I haven’t seen her face to face since I left Fresno so long ago. I am anxious to see her. I wonder about what the time apart from each other has done to her life. On the way, Stan and Michelle opted to let me have my time with Naomi and unload the equipment by themselves without my help.
We drove up to my apartment and they dropped me off on the sidewalk. I watched them drive away and turn the corner as I walked up the steps to my door. I opened the unlock door and let out a big hello to see if anyone was here or not. Immediately, Naomi responded from the living room. I walked in to see her resting on my couch watching TV. She looked no different from the day I left for LA, albeit a shorter haircut. She smiled big, jumped off the couch and gave me a big hug. Her perfume was so potent and weakening, I almost missed the tear in her eye. “Naomi, what’s wrong?”
“Brian, I just missed you that’s all.”
“How have you been? You look great!”
“Thanks. So do you.”
“Where Maya? Did you bring her along?”
“No, She’s at my sister’s house in Nevada.”
“Oh, okay. What brings you to LA?”
“I wanted to see you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. I missed you so much.”
“Okay.”
I found it a bit odd that she would come all the way to Los Angeles to visit me. In my head, I thought of the relationship we had and if it constituted driving to LA from Fresno. Perhaps not, but I do not want to think ill of my dear friend. I think, however, that she is here with some other motive than me. We spent the next hour or so talking about my band and our progress. She was delighted to her about making the record and touring. When I was finished, I asked about Maya and her work. She was hesitant to speak at first, which worried me. “Naomi, what’s going on?”
“Brian…”
“Yes.”
“Things are bad for Maya and I. We got kicked out of our apartment and we have no place to stay. I sent her to my sister’s for the time being while I tried to find a new place to live.”
“What? How did you get kicked out?”
“I got laid off from work and have had trouble finding a new job.”
“Oh my god. Are you and Maya doing okay at least?”
“We are doing fine. I looked all over Fresno and couldn’t find any place I could afford. I was running out ideas and finally thought that maybe you could help.”
“Me?”
“Yes. My sister’s got five kids and a job under her. She’s got her hands too full to help me. Maya is only staying there for a little while until I can find a place. I have so few friends, I didn‘t know where else to go.”
“Well, how can I help?”
“I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while until I can find a job and a new place to stay here in Los Angeles.”
“Well, sure Naomi. Anything you want. I will gladly help you out.”
“Thank you. I’m so glad you are my friend.” We embraced each other, hugging for several minutes. In myself, feelings swirled that I have never felt before. At least not awake. These are feeling I remember having when I dream. The serene feeling of comfort that I always desired. Why do I have this feeling now, I wondered.
At first, I questioned myself on why I was so open to let her stay here. Perhaps it has something to do with these feelings. Also, the fact I know she would not turn to be if she had no other options. She had little family, save for her sister and cousins. Having dropped out of high school and make her why though school while supporting a child made finding friends difficult for her. Maybe I am her only friend, or something more.
I called Stan and alerted him of the situation. I asked if either Jimmy or Steve could get her a job at Breaking Music, at least for the time being. He told me he would look into it, which assured me somewhat. While she is working there, she could look into getting back into the nursing profession at least. After that, she could continue to get herself back onto her feet, like she has for the past few years now. It’s all I can do for how she picked me up when I was down. I am in her debt, for lack of a better word and I not unhappy about.
Going Nowhere, Chapter Seventeen: Our Time, Our Chance
“Don’t go, Don’t go, Don’t go.”, I sang into the microphone. Words with so little meaning, yet they come together one car crash of a meaning in this song. The audience pummeled each other and shouted back the words in a less poetic fashion. It’s fun to watch.
The song was over and the audience cheered. Six months since signing with Saturated Records, we’re finally headlining our own show. Before now, most shows we did had our name in small print under the band that was to be the primary attraction. Now we’re it. Our record was easy to record, unlike what most people say. I forget who said it, but some famous singer once said the first record is always the easiest because you can’t possibly screw it up. It’s true, but I felt like a lot was riding on it, and what do you know? People like it. I think it’s a good record. Very well done.
We we’re backstage at the venue, shooting the breeze with some of the other bands. Michelle left to meet her boyfriend at his house. Stan and I were having a great time by ourselves. Telling jokes, hearing hilarious stories. It was a blast, but all good things must end as I’ve come to find out. We had to get going. Home was not far, just a few blocks away. Stan drove. My car had been returned to me, good as new. Well, almost.
Stan parked and we went into our new pad, a two bedroom apartment. We split the rent and have enough money to get us to the end of the month. The money we make from our jobs plus money from the label is just enough to live happily. Stan went into his room and went straight to sleep. I, on the other hand, had one last thing to do before I went to bed. In my closet, next to my music gear, lay a box with no indentation whatsoever on it’s surface. Underneath was something I could never give up. Yeah, you know it.
I diapered myself slow. Enjoying the feeling of plastic against my stomach and thighs. The tape went slow because I didn’t want it to be too loud. In my mind, it felt like the loudest sound in the world, like thunder. One by one, the tape lay flat on the front of the diaper. It was done being assembled and I stood up, feeling the soft cotton-like material on me. It felt so secure, and it made me secure. It had been so long since I’ve honestly enjoyed them that it was relieving to find joy in them again. Tonight, I would sleep in it, then wake up and change before I was caught by Stan.
Morning came and went. I woke up at 11:45, thinking Stan was already up and about. Little did I know, he would be awake at 1:30. That short little heart attack was terrifying. I immediately woke and changed out of my diaper. I lurked out of my bedroom, looking for signs of an awake Stan. I was relieved to hear his snoring come out from his room with the open door. Thank you, god.
What woke Stan up was his phone. It had no fancy ring tone, but a simple ring. His voice sound sick, almost. “Hello?”, He said, “Mike, what’s up?”, he continued, “What? Who? Jesus Christ!”. He leaped out of bed. “You’re are serious?”, He yelled into the phone. I lurked back in my chair to peak into this bedroom. I sat at the kitchen table, playing World of Warcraft on my computer. Yeah, I’m addicted.
Stan came out of his bedroom with a still, silent phone in his hand. His excitement was enough to shock him awake. “That was Mike.”, He said
“Yeah…”
“He got a call from Tony yesterday night after the show.”
“And?”
“Tony got us a spot on the Warped Tour.”
“Shit.”
Needless to say, Michelle was just as excited about it as we were. I could hear a loud, audible ‘Shit’ on Stan’s cell when he called her. Yeah, she was happy. The tour wouldn’t be for another month, but already I wanted to go out and play. Finally a chance to show the world what we got. It was an a amazing feeling to get this chance. Finally, some acceptance. No more going nowhere. I was so happy, I could puke. Never did I think we would get to play on the tour so soon, if at all. Our record was only a few months old, still getting up there in recognition. Yeah, some big bands had left some comments on our Myspace, but nothing major was coming out way. But this… this was it. Our time, our chance.
The song was over and the audience cheered. Six months since signing with Saturated Records, we’re finally headlining our own show. Before now, most shows we did had our name in small print under the band that was to be the primary attraction. Now we’re it. Our record was easy to record, unlike what most people say. I forget who said it, but some famous singer once said the first record is always the easiest because you can’t possibly screw it up. It’s true, but I felt like a lot was riding on it, and what do you know? People like it. I think it’s a good record. Very well done.
We we’re backstage at the venue, shooting the breeze with some of the other bands. Michelle left to meet her boyfriend at his house. Stan and I were having a great time by ourselves. Telling jokes, hearing hilarious stories. It was a blast, but all good things must end as I’ve come to find out. We had to get going. Home was not far, just a few blocks away. Stan drove. My car had been returned to me, good as new. Well, almost.
Stan parked and we went into our new pad, a two bedroom apartment. We split the rent and have enough money to get us to the end of the month. The money we make from our jobs plus money from the label is just enough to live happily. Stan went into his room and went straight to sleep. I, on the other hand, had one last thing to do before I went to bed. In my closet, next to my music gear, lay a box with no indentation whatsoever on it’s surface. Underneath was something I could never give up. Yeah, you know it.
I diapered myself slow. Enjoying the feeling of plastic against my stomach and thighs. The tape went slow because I didn’t want it to be too loud. In my mind, it felt like the loudest sound in the world, like thunder. One by one, the tape lay flat on the front of the diaper. It was done being assembled and I stood up, feeling the soft cotton-like material on me. It felt so secure, and it made me secure. It had been so long since I’ve honestly enjoyed them that it was relieving to find joy in them again. Tonight, I would sleep in it, then wake up and change before I was caught by Stan.
Morning came and went. I woke up at 11:45, thinking Stan was already up and about. Little did I know, he would be awake at 1:30. That short little heart attack was terrifying. I immediately woke and changed out of my diaper. I lurked out of my bedroom, looking for signs of an awake Stan. I was relieved to hear his snoring come out from his room with the open door. Thank you, god.
What woke Stan up was his phone. It had no fancy ring tone, but a simple ring. His voice sound sick, almost. “Hello?”, He said, “Mike, what’s up?”, he continued, “What? Who? Jesus Christ!”. He leaped out of bed. “You’re are serious?”, He yelled into the phone. I lurked back in my chair to peak into this bedroom. I sat at the kitchen table, playing World of Warcraft on my computer. Yeah, I’m addicted.
Stan came out of his bedroom with a still, silent phone in his hand. His excitement was enough to shock him awake. “That was Mike.”, He said
“Yeah…”
“He got a call from Tony yesterday night after the show.”
“And?”
“Tony got us a spot on the Warped Tour.”
“Shit.”
Needless to say, Michelle was just as excited about it as we were. I could hear a loud, audible ‘Shit’ on Stan’s cell when he called her. Yeah, she was happy. The tour wouldn’t be for another month, but already I wanted to go out and play. Finally a chance to show the world what we got. It was an a amazing feeling to get this chance. Finally, some acceptance. No more going nowhere. I was so happy, I could puke. Never did I think we would get to play on the tour so soon, if at all. Our record was only a few months old, still getting up there in recognition. Yeah, some big bands had left some comments on our Myspace, but nothing major was coming out way. But this… this was it. Our time, our chance.
Going Nowhere, Chapter Sixteen: Have A Nice Day
Christ. What could this mean? What is going on right now? Why is she here? Is this destiny, or am I having some sort of disillusion? Am I sick? Is there a god? Is he setting out our fate to be intertwined at predestined dates? Or is this all a dramatic coincidence, having no meaning at all? I’m so frightened, so confused.
She walked away, not looking back once. I stood alone in the aisle, holding onto a CD I was looking at before she asked me if I was alright. I was stunned be her very appearance. Never did I think I would see her in person. She was just as beautiful. I knew it was her. Her face was so recognizable. I could spot it in a crowded room. Now, I stand here, trying to wonder if this is all real. That dream, it’s really starting to scare me. First Michelle, now her. She’s been on my mind since I first saw her when I was 17 years old. Now, I’m 23, out of college, working at a music store as a store clerk and playing guitar in a punk band, and she still is on my mind. Steve told me I should get over her, but I can’t seem to find a way. The fact that I don’t know a single thing about her except for what my fantasy brings makes her all the more desirable. Here she was, Brian, now what are you going to do? What are you going to do?
From behind me, Stan casually walked up and startled me with his hand on my shoulder. “Wo, man. You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing.”
“You going to get that?”, He said pointing to the CD in my hand.
“Naw.”
“You know you should do?”
“What?”
“Buy WOW and start playing with me and Jimmy.”
“No, I’ll pass.”
“Oh, you are going to start playing and it will consume you.”
“I’m fine. I got work and the band, I’m fine with that,”
“Just saying. It’s fun.”
“You find your movie?”
“Right here.” He held it up and tapped it with his index finger.
“Cool, Let’s get out of here.” Stan followed me to the register. We got into a small line, waiting behind two women, both looking like they had no relationship to one another. One of the cash registers opened up and the woman in front filled it’s spot. She looked whipped, almost. The other was very well groomed, having very pretty hair and eyes covered by large, studded glasses. The whipped woman left, having paid for her items and the other woman took her place. Stan caught my attention by asking a question, “So, got any new ideas for the band?”
“A few. I’ve been fucking around on the guitar, making up some new stuff.”
“You know, Jimmy knows some people.”
“What kind of people?”
“Some people, like Anthony Calvin.”
“Anthony Calvin? The dude from Stereo Demon ?”
“Yep.”
“Man, their last CD was vicious.”
“Yeah. Jimmy’s sister dated a roadie from the last tour and he hooked them up with some pretty good gear, so now they’re tight.”
“So, what does this mean?”
“Anthony heard our shit and liked it. He’s thinking about getting us a contract?”
“What the fuck?”
“Yeah.”
“We just barely got back on our feet. We even haven’t recorded anything yet. The shit he‘s hearing is from our senior year. More then five years old.”
“And he likes it.” I caught the words he was saying. He did like it, and that means that the stuff knew could have the potential to blow him away. I would hesitate to think so.
“I don’t think this is the proper place to discuss this.” I said, “Let’s get Michelle and talk about this our loft.”
“Okay, that’s a good idea.”
Stan and I returned to our loft and called Michelle, telling her we had to have a band meeting. She complied and was over at our loft in less then a half an hour. She came in, greeting us and putting her car keys and purse on our coffee table. “So, what’s with the meeting.” She asked.
“Well, Stan told me about Anthony Calvin from Stereo Demon wanting to give a contract and I wanted to discuss this further with everyone.” I said.
“Oh, Tony, yeah. Jimmy told me about that this morning.”
“What do you think?”
“Well, I’m kind of for it, but it just seems really soon., you know.”
“I’m for it. I really feel ready with what we got. At least for an EP” Stan added.
“It’s just not sitting well with me, Stan.”, I said.
“Yeah, I understand that, but I really feel we are ready for this. I’ve wanted it since High School, I know you two want it too. It just seems like the right thing to do.”
“Yeah, but we haven’t recorded any thing new in five years. We just got back on our feet and did a show, it seems getting a record contract is a little too fast for us.”
“It’s not a giant label like Fat Wreck Chords. It’s something small to get our feet off the ground. We’ll produce the EP, tour a little and if things go well, we’ll have our debut album in a year or two.”
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, Brian. Why did you come and find me to get the band back together?”
“Because I didn’t like where I was-”
“Exactly! Don’t tell me you are not ready because you showed you were ready when you came and found me.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes. Whole heartedly.”
“Michelle?”
“Well, we’ve got nothing to lose. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Please don’t say that.”
“Brian?” Stan looked at me, sitting in his bean bag chair. “You are the last piece of this punk rock puzzle. You down?”
“I’m just not comfortable with it.”
“Give me just one chance. At least for an EP?” I laid back in the chair I was sitting in with my hands on my face. “I hate you two so much.” was all I could say.
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes…”
“Alright.” Stan leaped up and went to his phone, calling Jimmy. “You wont regret this, Brian.” He yelled from across the loft.
“It’s going to be alright.” Michelle reassured me.
“Yeah, I know. Maybe I’m just too comfortable with never going anywhere.”
“Looks like that’s not the case anymore.”
“What?”
“We’re going somewhere.”
“I guess so.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You look bothered.”
“It’s complicated to explain.”
“What?”
“It’s a girl issue.”
“How so?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, well, I had this dream a while back with this girl in it. Then, today, she popped up at Best Buy and I just feel weird about it.”
“What kind of weird?”
“I don’t know.” I took a breath as she paused to respond.
“You think it’s fate, don’t you?”
“What?”
“You think it’s meant to be.”
“Maybe, but I just feel weird about it.”
“Well, go talk to her.”
“I don’t know. I think it might be strange to go up to her and say, ‘Hey, I had a dream about you and I think you are the love of my life.’”
“You never know until you try.”
“I guess so.”
“You have a confidence issue, don’t you?”
“Not a big one, per se.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll help. Come with me.” Michelle got up and I followed. “Hey, Stan, we’ll be right back, okay?” She shouted.
“Okay.” He shouted right back.
Michelle and I got into her car and drove to the Best Buy. She parked out front, leaving the car quickly. She was moving at a no bull shit pace. This was very Michelle. She had her mind set on something, not letting the slightest obstacle get in her way. We entered the store and walked around until her face caught my eye. The girl with no identity stuck out like a sore thumb. She was working at a register. No lines were apparent. I pointed her out to Michelle. Michelle keyed in on her and dragged me to the video game section. She pulled out a large box with the words “World of Warcraft: Battlechest” on the front in big, bold letters. “Take this and go buy it from her.”
“But I don’t want it.”
“Tough. Love means sacrifice.”
“Did Stan put you up to this?”
“No, he didn’t. This is the video game area, it would seem odd you came up there with anything else but a video game. Plus, it really is a fun game and you should at least give it a try.”
“You play, too?”
“Brian, that’s not the point. I’m just sick of you being alone all the time. You never go anywhere except for shows. All you do is sit on the couch and fiddle with your guitar. You are depressed and I can tell. I’m your friend and I care about you. You need someone, Brian.”
“Okay, so it was Steve?”
“Just go over there and ask her out to lunch!”
“Okay.” I held up my hands in defense and walked over to the register. It occurred to me that, as I got closer, I was the closest then I have ever been before. Every step was a realization of dreams. All I could think of was that I wished I had a diaper on. My newly acquired self control was at it’s limits. Not only that, but I felt vulnerable for some reason. I felt like I needed protection self-consciously. Finally, I’m near her. She greets me with a soft smile and says hello in the prettiest voice, “Hi, how can I help you?”
“Uh,” I placed the games on the counter and utter very quietly, “Just this.”
“Okay.” She maintained a bright smile as she scanned my item for purchase. She stated the total and I held up my debit card, telling her it was debit. I swiped it and entered my pin. She clicked a few keys and had me press ‘okay’. The transaction was over and she put the game into a plastic bad. She smiled and said, “Have a nice day.”
And I turned around. I was too afraid. Off in the distance, Michelle was watching intently, gesturing me to turn around again and ask her out to lunch. This was it. I was too afraid to face it, but this was it. It’s all or nothing. I can’t face myself until I can face her and say I love you. I don’t know you, but I love you. I’m a fool caught in a nightmare of romance. The boat was slowly leaving and it was my turn. I turned, and a squeal. The girl jumped a little and ran into the arms of another guy, kissing him excitingly. She looked so happy. They looked pretty together. She was taken. Little to my knowledge, the boat was already gone. My dreams all smoky and incomplete. It’s all done, now. Michelle came by my side and spoke in the same failed attitude that I felt. “Well, that sucks.”
“I hate my life.”
“Don’t say that. I saw you were about to try. At least you saved yourself the embarrassment of asking out a taken women.”
“Let’s just go.”
“Brian, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I almost tried. That’s the least anyone can ask of me.”
We walked out to the car. Clouds were forming. It was getting dark, too. Hours pass quickly in this town. But it seemed not to bother me. At least not now. Her unavailability made her nothing more then a dream. Maybe it was just a dream to begin with. Dreams are nothing really when you think about them. They are images of what you want. They can not come true, only earned. I made one part come true, and there is nothing I can do about the other part. I tired. That’s all I can do is try.
She walked away, not looking back once. I stood alone in the aisle, holding onto a CD I was looking at before she asked me if I was alright. I was stunned be her very appearance. Never did I think I would see her in person. She was just as beautiful. I knew it was her. Her face was so recognizable. I could spot it in a crowded room. Now, I stand here, trying to wonder if this is all real. That dream, it’s really starting to scare me. First Michelle, now her. She’s been on my mind since I first saw her when I was 17 years old. Now, I’m 23, out of college, working at a music store as a store clerk and playing guitar in a punk band, and she still is on my mind. Steve told me I should get over her, but I can’t seem to find a way. The fact that I don’t know a single thing about her except for what my fantasy brings makes her all the more desirable. Here she was, Brian, now what are you going to do? What are you going to do?
From behind me, Stan casually walked up and startled me with his hand on my shoulder. “Wo, man. You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing.”
“You going to get that?”, He said pointing to the CD in my hand.
“Naw.”
“You know you should do?”
“What?”
“Buy WOW and start playing with me and Jimmy.”
“No, I’ll pass.”
“Oh, you are going to start playing and it will consume you.”
“I’m fine. I got work and the band, I’m fine with that,”
“Just saying. It’s fun.”
“You find your movie?”
“Right here.” He held it up and tapped it with his index finger.
“Cool, Let’s get out of here.” Stan followed me to the register. We got into a small line, waiting behind two women, both looking like they had no relationship to one another. One of the cash registers opened up and the woman in front filled it’s spot. She looked whipped, almost. The other was very well groomed, having very pretty hair and eyes covered by large, studded glasses. The whipped woman left, having paid for her items and the other woman took her place. Stan caught my attention by asking a question, “So, got any new ideas for the band?”
“A few. I’ve been fucking around on the guitar, making up some new stuff.”
“You know, Jimmy knows some people.”
“What kind of people?”
“Some people, like Anthony Calvin.”
“Anthony Calvin? The dude from Stereo Demon ?”
“Yep.”
“Man, their last CD was vicious.”
“Yeah. Jimmy’s sister dated a roadie from the last tour and he hooked them up with some pretty good gear, so now they’re tight.”
“So, what does this mean?”
“Anthony heard our shit and liked it. He’s thinking about getting us a contract?”
“What the fuck?”
“Yeah.”
“We just barely got back on our feet. We even haven’t recorded anything yet. The shit he‘s hearing is from our senior year. More then five years old.”
“And he likes it.” I caught the words he was saying. He did like it, and that means that the stuff knew could have the potential to blow him away. I would hesitate to think so.
“I don’t think this is the proper place to discuss this.” I said, “Let’s get Michelle and talk about this our loft.”
“Okay, that’s a good idea.”
Stan and I returned to our loft and called Michelle, telling her we had to have a band meeting. She complied and was over at our loft in less then a half an hour. She came in, greeting us and putting her car keys and purse on our coffee table. “So, what’s with the meeting.” She asked.
“Well, Stan told me about Anthony Calvin from Stereo Demon wanting to give a contract and I wanted to discuss this further with everyone.” I said.
“Oh, Tony, yeah. Jimmy told me about that this morning.”
“What do you think?”
“Well, I’m kind of for it, but it just seems really soon., you know.”
“I’m for it. I really feel ready with what we got. At least for an EP” Stan added.
“It’s just not sitting well with me, Stan.”, I said.
“Yeah, I understand that, but I really feel we are ready for this. I’ve wanted it since High School, I know you two want it too. It just seems like the right thing to do.”
“Yeah, but we haven’t recorded any thing new in five years. We just got back on our feet and did a show, it seems getting a record contract is a little too fast for us.”
“It’s not a giant label like Fat Wreck Chords. It’s something small to get our feet off the ground. We’ll produce the EP, tour a little and if things go well, we’ll have our debut album in a year or two.”
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, Brian. Why did you come and find me to get the band back together?”
“Because I didn’t like where I was-”
“Exactly! Don’t tell me you are not ready because you showed you were ready when you came and found me.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes. Whole heartedly.”
“Michelle?”
“Well, we’ve got nothing to lose. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Please don’t say that.”
“Brian?” Stan looked at me, sitting in his bean bag chair. “You are the last piece of this punk rock puzzle. You down?”
“I’m just not comfortable with it.”
“Give me just one chance. At least for an EP?” I laid back in the chair I was sitting in with my hands on my face. “I hate you two so much.” was all I could say.
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes…”
“Alright.” Stan leaped up and went to his phone, calling Jimmy. “You wont regret this, Brian.” He yelled from across the loft.
“It’s going to be alright.” Michelle reassured me.
“Yeah, I know. Maybe I’m just too comfortable with never going anywhere.”
“Looks like that’s not the case anymore.”
“What?”
“We’re going somewhere.”
“I guess so.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You look bothered.”
“It’s complicated to explain.”
“What?”
“It’s a girl issue.”
“How so?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, well, I had this dream a while back with this girl in it. Then, today, she popped up at Best Buy and I just feel weird about it.”
“What kind of weird?”
“I don’t know.” I took a breath as she paused to respond.
“You think it’s fate, don’t you?”
“What?”
“You think it’s meant to be.”
“Maybe, but I just feel weird about it.”
“Well, go talk to her.”
“I don’t know. I think it might be strange to go up to her and say, ‘Hey, I had a dream about you and I think you are the love of my life.’”
“You never know until you try.”
“I guess so.”
“You have a confidence issue, don’t you?”
“Not a big one, per se.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll help. Come with me.” Michelle got up and I followed. “Hey, Stan, we’ll be right back, okay?” She shouted.
“Okay.” He shouted right back.
Michelle and I got into her car and drove to the Best Buy. She parked out front, leaving the car quickly. She was moving at a no bull shit pace. This was very Michelle. She had her mind set on something, not letting the slightest obstacle get in her way. We entered the store and walked around until her face caught my eye. The girl with no identity stuck out like a sore thumb. She was working at a register. No lines were apparent. I pointed her out to Michelle. Michelle keyed in on her and dragged me to the video game section. She pulled out a large box with the words “World of Warcraft: Battlechest” on the front in big, bold letters. “Take this and go buy it from her.”
“But I don’t want it.”
“Tough. Love means sacrifice.”
“Did Stan put you up to this?”
“No, he didn’t. This is the video game area, it would seem odd you came up there with anything else but a video game. Plus, it really is a fun game and you should at least give it a try.”
“You play, too?”
“Brian, that’s not the point. I’m just sick of you being alone all the time. You never go anywhere except for shows. All you do is sit on the couch and fiddle with your guitar. You are depressed and I can tell. I’m your friend and I care about you. You need someone, Brian.”
“Okay, so it was Steve?”
“Just go over there and ask her out to lunch!”
“Okay.” I held up my hands in defense and walked over to the register. It occurred to me that, as I got closer, I was the closest then I have ever been before. Every step was a realization of dreams. All I could think of was that I wished I had a diaper on. My newly acquired self control was at it’s limits. Not only that, but I felt vulnerable for some reason. I felt like I needed protection self-consciously. Finally, I’m near her. She greets me with a soft smile and says hello in the prettiest voice, “Hi, how can I help you?”
“Uh,” I placed the games on the counter and utter very quietly, “Just this.”
“Okay.” She maintained a bright smile as she scanned my item for purchase. She stated the total and I held up my debit card, telling her it was debit. I swiped it and entered my pin. She clicked a few keys and had me press ‘okay’. The transaction was over and she put the game into a plastic bad. She smiled and said, “Have a nice day.”
And I turned around. I was too afraid. Off in the distance, Michelle was watching intently, gesturing me to turn around again and ask her out to lunch. This was it. I was too afraid to face it, but this was it. It’s all or nothing. I can’t face myself until I can face her and say I love you. I don’t know you, but I love you. I’m a fool caught in a nightmare of romance. The boat was slowly leaving and it was my turn. I turned, and a squeal. The girl jumped a little and ran into the arms of another guy, kissing him excitingly. She looked so happy. They looked pretty together. She was taken. Little to my knowledge, the boat was already gone. My dreams all smoky and incomplete. It’s all done, now. Michelle came by my side and spoke in the same failed attitude that I felt. “Well, that sucks.”
“I hate my life.”
“Don’t say that. I saw you were about to try. At least you saved yourself the embarrassment of asking out a taken women.”
“Let’s just go.”
“Brian, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I almost tried. That’s the least anyone can ask of me.”
We walked out to the car. Clouds were forming. It was getting dark, too. Hours pass quickly in this town. But it seemed not to bother me. At least not now. Her unavailability made her nothing more then a dream. Maybe it was just a dream to begin with. Dreams are nothing really when you think about them. They are images of what you want. They can not come true, only earned. I made one part come true, and there is nothing I can do about the other part. I tired. That’s all I can do is try.
Going Nowhere, Chapter Fifteen: The Regulators
“Yeah, I still don’t get it…”
“It’s simple. We are a punk band with an authority-like name which is a meant to inspire people.”
“Yeah. But wouldn’t the Anti-Regulators make more sense?”
“Never mind, Steve.”
I hate being late. I normally try to be punctual, but force beyond control seem to always be in the way, like Steve passing out and forgetting to pick me up at 6:00. I’m not mad, but I hate being late. Steve’s eyes were still a little red, but he drove like he was an instructor. I sat in the passenger seat, looking in amazement at his textbook skills behind the wheel. Maybe some people are better when they are high. I wouldn’t be familiar with the feeling because drugs were never my thing.
Steve’s old station wagon pulled closer to the club and the line of people outside was very visible. Most were there to see a band that has been a around for a while, but we got onto the bill and were the opening act, which was nice. Steve pulled into the alley next to the club, were our trailer lay still, attached to Michelle’s van that she got from her dad. He’s letting us have it for a while. Across from the van was the door to the back stage. In front of it, chatting away, were Michelle, Stan and Jimmy and two other unfamiliar figures. Steve stopped and killed the engine, pulling up on the emergency brake after taking out the keys. We exited the car and approached the others. Stan took immediate notice. “About fucking time, we go on in 10 minutes.”
“Hey, I can’t help that Steve passed out and forget to come get me.”
“Steve, you were passed out?” Jimmy asked him as he approached.
“Yeah, man. I ate too much after I got high. That new shit is strong.”
“Whose watching the store?”
“Sam is, isn’t she?”
“No! Today’s her day off.”
“Oh shit.”
“Fuck!” Jimmy exclaimed as he ran to his car and started the engine, feverishly heading to his store.
“Oh, man, I hope I don’t get fired.”
“Naw, Jimmy did the same thing 4 months ago, only he was wasted.” Stan pointed out.
“Let’s get going.” I said as I venture backstage to our equipment. Most was already all set up on stage, with the exception of Michelle and Mine’s guitars, which were all tuned up. Michelle pulled the strap over her neck and asked a quick but important question. “What are we playing first?”
“Teen Spirit.” Stan answered rapidly. I could tell he was excited about this. This was out first real show in a while. It felt so professional. We were used to garage show with our friends. It all felt so real to me, like a dream come true.
We took the stage. Stan sat behind his drum kit, hitting random drums as he tested his equipment. I approached the microphone and spoke into it. “Hey, We’re the Regulators.” A subtle applause rung out. “This first song is an oldie, but goodie.” I stepped back from the microphone and strummed my guitar a couple times, then stepped on the distortion box next to my feet, turning off the distortion too my guitar and giving it a clean sound. The crowd quieted down and I began to strum the first few bars. The crowd applauded upon recognition and began to clap. Stan interrupted their cheers with furious pounding drum. His became a blur, banging up and down like a hammer. Michelle’s long, blonde hair was everywhere as she thrashed around to the song. The first part ended and I sang with my long, drawl voice, matching the style of Kurt Cobain, which is not my style as everyone knows.
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” ended as fast as it began, and we went into our own songs. We were really showing off what we could do in these songs. Very technical, but very punk-ish. The crowd was really digging our tunes, which was cool. They were relatively unfamiliar faces, which meant that we were attracting a new crowd of people. Our set ended after 15 minutes and we exited the stage, going out the back and loading our equipment. Jimmy had returned, relieved to find the Sam was indeed working today’s shift. Steve let him have his ‘I told you so’, then immediately let it go. Friends are strange.
Jimmy, Stan and Michelle all went back to Jimmy’s apartment to play an online computer game that they liked to play and smoke some of that pot Steve was talking about earlier. Steve and I were very hungry and decided to get something to eat before we joined them. Steve drove to a small diner, saying he was craving a giant hamburger and fries, which didn’t sound bad at all. We entered and sat down, both ordering the same thing. We then talked about the show until the food arrived. “Man, that was a great set.”, Steve exclaimed excitingly.
“Yeah, tonight was a good night.”
“Did you see all the chicks eyeing you?”
“Yeah, I saw them.”
“How come you never ask any of them out, man. I haven’t seen you with any women since you got here last year.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I’m really not that interested, you know.”
“Are you gay?”
“No, I’m not gay.”
“Are you sure, man. Gay people are cool, you know.”
“I’m not gay!”
“Alright.”
“I’m just picky, I guess.”
“Well, try to un-pick-ify yourself.”
“What?”
“Lower you standards man. You will never get anyone if you keep comparing them to your brain lady.”
“My what?”
“Brain lady. It’s what I call the women in your head that loves you and says all the right words and never seems to upset you in any way. She’s all in your head, man, and you need to let her go.”
“I guess.”
The burgers were excellent. My nervous stomach finally settled with that meal. I decided to spend the rest of the night relaxing and staying away from any kind of drug behavior. I have enough bad habits. As Steve dropped me off ay Stan and mine’s loft, I checked my cell phone messages. One, from my insurance. I was in a car accident two weeks ago and my car was in the shop. Insurance is going to cover it all, thank god. I got nailed by some psycho broad going 50 miles per hours. She only hit me on the side of my bumper, but buckled and flattened my tire. Damages aren’t too bad. At least I’m alright. Car should be ready by next week. Until, I need chauffeurs.
I turned off my cell phone and placed it next to my mattress. I laid quietly in bed, hoping for a good dream. No dreams have come to me lately. It’s a little disheartening. One, however, was pretty good. It was with her again. The beautiful brunette. This time, we were both indulging in the cushioning of a soft, plain white diaper. She wear a plain T-shirt and a gorgeous smile, something I always think about. We did nothing but hold each other in a plain white room. Things were so bright, much like it was before in my last dream. Then in rattled in. What Steve said. Lower my standard. Let go of her. Was I ready? They say you should never give up on your dreams, but was this so far out there that it was beyond my reach? Maybe. Stranger things have happened.
Late night, early morning. That what it seems like lately. I seem to be only getting a few hours of sleep, then I’m awake for 20 hours. Amazing, but the least of my worries. I’m going to buy underwear today. I haven’t wet myself in a month and a half. It feels amazing to know that I’m finally back into control. I haven’t worn a diaper in a while. A real diaper, I mean. The big, white, plastic kind. I loved those, but I need to move on. I need to hide this, put it away and forget about for a while. At least I feel comfortable with it again. That was, to say the least, a farfetched idea because I’m not sure if I will ever be comfortable with it again.
I stumbled through the loft, seeing Stan’s body lumped over his mattress, dead asleep. I would think he was dead if it wasn’t for his loud, monotonous snoring pattern. I’ve grown so used to it, I don’t hear it anymore. I sat at our table and opened my laptop, logging onto our music page on Myspace. Several new messages and friend request, mostly from last nights show. It began to dawn on my. This could work out. Sure, it was a slow process, but steady. Then an idea popped in my head; Record contract. I think Stan mentioned it a while back, but now it seemed tangible. Get more demos done, show them around, sign to a label and record a record. It wasn’t that hard. No too hard for those who want it badly, and Stan, Michelle, and I definitely wanted it badly.
Stan arose moments after I closed my web browser and started playing solitaire. He walked in a zombie trance to me and my stared at my laptop. His mouth opened wide to let out a big yawn, but among the sound of his voice, words came through. “You need to play WOW.”
“No, thank you.”
“It’s fun, man.”
“Sure it is, and so does having a social life.”
“Hey, it’s not I get sucked into it.”
“Yeah, 10 hours a day isn’t overkill.”
“That was once and it was on my day off.”
“Yeah yeah. You going to drive me to Alders?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
I was only in the store for five minutes. I’m lucky that my size hasn’t changed and the number is still ingrained in my head. Stan wanted to go to Best Buy afterwards and get a movie that he likes. Some indie movie that I’ve never seen. He stormed away from the clothes store and went all the way to Best Buy, parking rather crookedly. We entered the cool store and were greeted by the greeter, standing at his station looking like he has better stuff to do that isn’t work related. Stan immediately wondered away, browsing the movies up and down. I had nothing I really wanted to buy, but I made it seem so. I looked through the CD’s, finding nothing interesting. As my fingers sifted through the selection of music, feet plotting the ground next to me caught the corner of my eye. The recognizable blue shirt signified the person as an employee. The long hair and protruding chest signified it as a woman. She was restocking CD’s and rearranging misplaced ones. I ignored her because I didn’t feel like falling in love. Whenever I see a girl, it seems that way. I look at her face and I imagine the fantasy. I crack a joke, she laughs. I ask her out, she says yes. We date for a while, I ask her to marry me, she says yes. We are madly in love and life could not be more textbook perfect.
But I know, I always know. It’s not real. It’s all in my head. As soon as I look at her face, I will picture the fantasy, say nothing and live in regret. That’s how life goes. But what if I don’t let it happen? What if I do say something, perhaps? Could this fantasy become reality? Maybe my dream can come true, like it did for Stan, Michelle and I. Jesus H. Christ, Brian, pull yourself together. That was a damn coincidence. Shit like that only happens in dreams and movies. Stuff that is not real. In reality, I’m going to marry some wench and waste my life living in regret. Dreams don’t come true, only coincidences. “Are you finding everything okay, sir?”
“Yeah.” I said as I looked up at her. Her red hair laid brushed and unmolested. Over her nose, glasses laid still. She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and she was real. She was standing in front of me. The girl from my dreams was standing in front of my, talking to me and suddenly I was speechless. I stared, not trying to be discrete. “Sir?”
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine?”
“Okay.” She said as she walked away. I watched her intently, step by step. Dear god, what just happened.
“It’s simple. We are a punk band with an authority-like name which is a meant to inspire people.”
“Yeah. But wouldn’t the Anti-Regulators make more sense?”
“Never mind, Steve.”
I hate being late. I normally try to be punctual, but force beyond control seem to always be in the way, like Steve passing out and forgetting to pick me up at 6:00. I’m not mad, but I hate being late. Steve’s eyes were still a little red, but he drove like he was an instructor. I sat in the passenger seat, looking in amazement at his textbook skills behind the wheel. Maybe some people are better when they are high. I wouldn’t be familiar with the feeling because drugs were never my thing.
Steve’s old station wagon pulled closer to the club and the line of people outside was very visible. Most were there to see a band that has been a around for a while, but we got onto the bill and were the opening act, which was nice. Steve pulled into the alley next to the club, were our trailer lay still, attached to Michelle’s van that she got from her dad. He’s letting us have it for a while. Across from the van was the door to the back stage. In front of it, chatting away, were Michelle, Stan and Jimmy and two other unfamiliar figures. Steve stopped and killed the engine, pulling up on the emergency brake after taking out the keys. We exited the car and approached the others. Stan took immediate notice. “About fucking time, we go on in 10 minutes.”
“Hey, I can’t help that Steve passed out and forget to come get me.”
“Steve, you were passed out?” Jimmy asked him as he approached.
“Yeah, man. I ate too much after I got high. That new shit is strong.”
“Whose watching the store?”
“Sam is, isn’t she?”
“No! Today’s her day off.”
“Oh shit.”
“Fuck!” Jimmy exclaimed as he ran to his car and started the engine, feverishly heading to his store.
“Oh, man, I hope I don’t get fired.”
“Naw, Jimmy did the same thing 4 months ago, only he was wasted.” Stan pointed out.
“Let’s get going.” I said as I venture backstage to our equipment. Most was already all set up on stage, with the exception of Michelle and Mine’s guitars, which were all tuned up. Michelle pulled the strap over her neck and asked a quick but important question. “What are we playing first?”
“Teen Spirit.” Stan answered rapidly. I could tell he was excited about this. This was out first real show in a while. It felt so professional. We were used to garage show with our friends. It all felt so real to me, like a dream come true.
We took the stage. Stan sat behind his drum kit, hitting random drums as he tested his equipment. I approached the microphone and spoke into it. “Hey, We’re the Regulators.” A subtle applause rung out. “This first song is an oldie, but goodie.” I stepped back from the microphone and strummed my guitar a couple times, then stepped on the distortion box next to my feet, turning off the distortion too my guitar and giving it a clean sound. The crowd quieted down and I began to strum the first few bars. The crowd applauded upon recognition and began to clap. Stan interrupted their cheers with furious pounding drum. His became a blur, banging up and down like a hammer. Michelle’s long, blonde hair was everywhere as she thrashed around to the song. The first part ended and I sang with my long, drawl voice, matching the style of Kurt Cobain, which is not my style as everyone knows.
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” ended as fast as it began, and we went into our own songs. We were really showing off what we could do in these songs. Very technical, but very punk-ish. The crowd was really digging our tunes, which was cool. They were relatively unfamiliar faces, which meant that we were attracting a new crowd of people. Our set ended after 15 minutes and we exited the stage, going out the back and loading our equipment. Jimmy had returned, relieved to find the Sam was indeed working today’s shift. Steve let him have his ‘I told you so’, then immediately let it go. Friends are strange.
Jimmy, Stan and Michelle all went back to Jimmy’s apartment to play an online computer game that they liked to play and smoke some of that pot Steve was talking about earlier. Steve and I were very hungry and decided to get something to eat before we joined them. Steve drove to a small diner, saying he was craving a giant hamburger and fries, which didn’t sound bad at all. We entered and sat down, both ordering the same thing. We then talked about the show until the food arrived. “Man, that was a great set.”, Steve exclaimed excitingly.
“Yeah, tonight was a good night.”
“Did you see all the chicks eyeing you?”
“Yeah, I saw them.”
“How come you never ask any of them out, man. I haven’t seen you with any women since you got here last year.”
“Yeah, well, I guess I’m really not that interested, you know.”
“Are you gay?”
“No, I’m not gay.”
“Are you sure, man. Gay people are cool, you know.”
“I’m not gay!”
“Alright.”
“I’m just picky, I guess.”
“Well, try to un-pick-ify yourself.”
“What?”
“Lower you standards man. You will never get anyone if you keep comparing them to your brain lady.”
“My what?”
“Brain lady. It’s what I call the women in your head that loves you and says all the right words and never seems to upset you in any way. She’s all in your head, man, and you need to let her go.”
“I guess.”
The burgers were excellent. My nervous stomach finally settled with that meal. I decided to spend the rest of the night relaxing and staying away from any kind of drug behavior. I have enough bad habits. As Steve dropped me off ay Stan and mine’s loft, I checked my cell phone messages. One, from my insurance. I was in a car accident two weeks ago and my car was in the shop. Insurance is going to cover it all, thank god. I got nailed by some psycho broad going 50 miles per hours. She only hit me on the side of my bumper, but buckled and flattened my tire. Damages aren’t too bad. At least I’m alright. Car should be ready by next week. Until, I need chauffeurs.
I turned off my cell phone and placed it next to my mattress. I laid quietly in bed, hoping for a good dream. No dreams have come to me lately. It’s a little disheartening. One, however, was pretty good. It was with her again. The beautiful brunette. This time, we were both indulging in the cushioning of a soft, plain white diaper. She wear a plain T-shirt and a gorgeous smile, something I always think about. We did nothing but hold each other in a plain white room. Things were so bright, much like it was before in my last dream. Then in rattled in. What Steve said. Lower my standard. Let go of her. Was I ready? They say you should never give up on your dreams, but was this so far out there that it was beyond my reach? Maybe. Stranger things have happened.
Late night, early morning. That what it seems like lately. I seem to be only getting a few hours of sleep, then I’m awake for 20 hours. Amazing, but the least of my worries. I’m going to buy underwear today. I haven’t wet myself in a month and a half. It feels amazing to know that I’m finally back into control. I haven’t worn a diaper in a while. A real diaper, I mean. The big, white, plastic kind. I loved those, but I need to move on. I need to hide this, put it away and forget about for a while. At least I feel comfortable with it again. That was, to say the least, a farfetched idea because I’m not sure if I will ever be comfortable with it again.
I stumbled through the loft, seeing Stan’s body lumped over his mattress, dead asleep. I would think he was dead if it wasn’t for his loud, monotonous snoring pattern. I’ve grown so used to it, I don’t hear it anymore. I sat at our table and opened my laptop, logging onto our music page on Myspace. Several new messages and friend request, mostly from last nights show. It began to dawn on my. This could work out. Sure, it was a slow process, but steady. Then an idea popped in my head; Record contract. I think Stan mentioned it a while back, but now it seemed tangible. Get more demos done, show them around, sign to a label and record a record. It wasn’t that hard. No too hard for those who want it badly, and Stan, Michelle, and I definitely wanted it badly.
Stan arose moments after I closed my web browser and started playing solitaire. He walked in a zombie trance to me and my stared at my laptop. His mouth opened wide to let out a big yawn, but among the sound of his voice, words came through. “You need to play WOW.”
“No, thank you.”
“It’s fun, man.”
“Sure it is, and so does having a social life.”
“Hey, it’s not I get sucked into it.”
“Yeah, 10 hours a day isn’t overkill.”
“That was once and it was on my day off.”
“Yeah yeah. You going to drive me to Alders?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
I was only in the store for five minutes. I’m lucky that my size hasn’t changed and the number is still ingrained in my head. Stan wanted to go to Best Buy afterwards and get a movie that he likes. Some indie movie that I’ve never seen. He stormed away from the clothes store and went all the way to Best Buy, parking rather crookedly. We entered the cool store and were greeted by the greeter, standing at his station looking like he has better stuff to do that isn’t work related. Stan immediately wondered away, browsing the movies up and down. I had nothing I really wanted to buy, but I made it seem so. I looked through the CD’s, finding nothing interesting. As my fingers sifted through the selection of music, feet plotting the ground next to me caught the corner of my eye. The recognizable blue shirt signified the person as an employee. The long hair and protruding chest signified it as a woman. She was restocking CD’s and rearranging misplaced ones. I ignored her because I didn’t feel like falling in love. Whenever I see a girl, it seems that way. I look at her face and I imagine the fantasy. I crack a joke, she laughs. I ask her out, she says yes. We date for a while, I ask her to marry me, she says yes. We are madly in love and life could not be more textbook perfect.
But I know, I always know. It’s not real. It’s all in my head. As soon as I look at her face, I will picture the fantasy, say nothing and live in regret. That’s how life goes. But what if I don’t let it happen? What if I do say something, perhaps? Could this fantasy become reality? Maybe my dream can come true, like it did for Stan, Michelle and I. Jesus H. Christ, Brian, pull yourself together. That was a damn coincidence. Shit like that only happens in dreams and movies. Stuff that is not real. In reality, I’m going to marry some wench and waste my life living in regret. Dreams don’t come true, only coincidences. “Are you finding everything okay, sir?”
“Yeah.” I said as I looked up at her. Her red hair laid brushed and unmolested. Over her nose, glasses laid still. She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and she was real. She was standing in front of me. The girl from my dreams was standing in front of my, talking to me and suddenly I was speechless. I stared, not trying to be discrete. “Sir?”
“What?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine?”
“Okay.” She said as she walked away. I watched her intently, step by step. Dear god, what just happened.
Going Nowhere, Chapter Fourteen: When Hell Freezes Over
Stan should be home in an hour. He went to pick up Jimmy's cousin in a town called Victorville, which was about four hours from here, or so I'm told. I decided, before they got here, to try out my new computer. I bought a new laptop because I missed having one. I wanted to check out all my websites, like my Myspace page, or some of my diaper stuff. My email was probably so full, it would freeze the damn computer. I haven't been on a computer in a year.
I entered our loft and looked around to see if the coast was clear. No one was home. I set the laptop down and hurried into the bathroom. I really needed to pee. The door burst open as I ran in and shut it. I pants came off to reveal my adult diaper. I had switched from the plastic ones to this kind, which was like wearing a pull up. It was even more discrete and I was making head way with my re-training. I have been able to feel when I need to go and it's giving me enough time to get to a toilet. All that was needed now was to do it more often so my bladder would get used to it.
I exited the bathroom after a successful try in using the toilet. My diaper, or padded brief as it's called, was dry, so I saw no reason to change it. I opened my new laptop and sat on my mattress as I set it up. It was time consuming. Twenty minutes was gone when it was finally ready for use. I wasted no time in heading straight for the internet explorer icon. The internet was up and running in the place, which was cool. I knew Stan couldn't go without an internet connection. I typed in Diaperbuddies first. I wanted to get all of this out of the way before Stan and Jimmy's cousin arrived. I entered my password and saw two unread messages. Not surprising for an account like this. They were from some friends I made on this site. They were old, too. One was almost a year, with the other only being a few months. I replied to both, apologizing for my absences and responding to their questions.
After that, it was a few other websites. Some diaper-related, some not. My email was filled with almost one hundred unread messages, mostly email notifications from other sites. Finally, I logged onto my Myspace page, which laid dormant for almost two years. I had a pile-up of unread messages, friend request and comment approvals. They were all from old high school friends that I haven't seen in a while. I decided to do some quick edits on my profile. I changed my location to Los Angeles, updated my "About Me" section and took a new picture with Stan camera. I knew people would be interested to see my longer hair and Abraham Lincoln beard, which I thought was cool.
A loud noise broke my concentration while I was typing. I looked up to see Stan opening the door and leading a female into our loft. Her face bore an immediate resemblance to me. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a very skinny body structure. Her face, however, caught my attention. She was the girl in my dream. She was the one who played the upright bass. This was all to strange. She was joining our band as a bass player, and before I met her, she was in my dream with Stan playing upright bass. It was like Deja Vu, but instead with full clarity. "Brian, this is Michelle, Jimmy's cousin." Stan announced.
"Hey, what's up." She said as she extended her arm to greet me.
"Hi." I replied to her as I met her hand. I was trying not to make it seem like I was surprised, but my mind was in shock.
"You must be Brian."
"Yeah. The lead singer."
"I heard your stuff. It sounds cool."
"Thanks. That’s what everyone tells me."
"So, you guys want to jam?" She immediately asked both of us.
"I love this girl. Straight to the point." Stan exclaimed. Michelle laughed, finding his brand of humor rather funny from what it seems. "Brian, can you help me with her stuff?"
"Yeah, sure."
She was all set up. Stan sat behind his drum set, poised to start showing off for Michelle. I set my new guitar up with my amp and did a quick tuning as Michelle did the same. The bass guitar hanging from her shoulder was a popular bass among the Ibanez series. The Ibanez ATK, I believe it‘s called. "Alright, what do you guys want to play?" Stan asked.
"How about some covers?" Michelle suggested.
"What do you know?"
"I know a whole bunch of Offspring and No Use For A Name, a few Bad Religion, and a NoFX song."
"What Offspring do you know?" I asked.
"I know most of their early stuff, most of Americana, and some of the new songs."
"Do you know Gotta Get Away?" Stan asked.
"Yeah."
"Brian, you are oddly reserved. Isn't the Offspring your favorite band?"
"Yes." I responded rather sarcastically.
"They are?" Michelle said with great glee
"Yeah, since I was 8."
"I've been a fan since I was 12."
"Cool."
"Brian loves them. Isn't Gotta Get Away your favorite tune?" Stan pointed out
"Yes. Did you two set this up in the car?"
"No." Stan said innocently.
"Let's just play." Michelle insisted.
"Alright." Stan clicked his sticks and began the opening of the song. Michelle followed easily as I came in, showing off my guitar and vocal skill. As the song ended, it seemed evident that we work together perfectly. We continued playing some more songs, showing her how to play some of ours. She caught on really quick. She was a really good bass player. Way beyond Adam's playing level, which was a feat in itself because Adam was pretty damn good. She even improved some of our songs, adding more to the bass parts then Adam ever did. She was definitely a keeper.
After playing, we went out to eat at the nearby Denny’s. We were hungry and we wanted to get to know her better, or at least I did. I don't know how well Stan got to know her on the way. I was still mesmerized by her striking similarities to the girl in my dream. Maybe that dream was more then a wake-up call.
The waitress came and took orders. She was rather jaded and tired with her hair scraggly and her make-up running a bit. Probably a hard day. She left us to our conversation. "So, Michelle. How long you been playing?" I asked
"Three years." She replied
"Really? Been in any other bands?"
"Well, there was this one band, but we broke up after a year. We were actually kind of good, you know, but we just didn't get along."
"Yeah, we know what you mean."
"So, why did you guys break up for three years?"
"It's a long story."
"We got time."
"Well, Stan and I were really committed to the band, but our old bass player wasn't really all that committed."
"We decided to move to Fresno to get out of our old home town.", Stan took over, "After less then a year of no gigs, he up and left, frustrated with the whole thing."
"We supported ourselves by working part time, and he made the most money out of all us because he didn't go to school, so he worked full time. I had to leave and, by the grace of the lord almighty, got a cheap place in Fresno."
"I went home and stayed for a year, then came to LA."
"Yeah, after about three years, I got a couple degrees under my belt, but I didn't really want to be a English teacher. A friend helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life. So, I tracked down Stan and got the band back together."
"I was in that band I told you about."
"Is that all?" She asked.
"Pretty much."
"Wow, that was a really boring story." We laughed as the waitress dropped off our food. We continued talking about stuff. "So, you go to school or anything?"
"No, I just graduated. Got a degree in engineering."
"You going to use it?"
"No. I really would rather do music. I've loved music ever since I was little. My dad was a jazz musician and he died of lung cancer when I was six. He left me his saxophone and I started playing. Got into punk music when I was a preteen. Nothing special, just stuff like Good Charlotte and Simple Plan. I grew out of it and really got into Bad Religion for a while. All I wrote was political stuff that was no good. Then I picked up bass guitar. Been stuck ever since."
"Cool. So what are you going to do about practice and shows?"
"I'm moving in with Jimmy. I've been trying to do it for a while, trying to get out of the small town I live in."
"Hmm, cool."
We left the restaurant at around 8:00 and headed back home. Jimmy came by, picked up Michelle and took her back to his place to stay the night. She'll be moving to his place in the next few days. Stan went to sleep early. He was beat from all the driving and the drumming he did. He said that was the fastest he played in a long time. The stuff he did with Anti-Static was nothing compared to what he did with us. He was out and I was left alone with me and my laptop. I checked all my diaper-related accounts first. Everything was like it used to be, just with different names and faces. I forgot how many different profiles I had on different sites. Some sites were long gone and some of the little ones that weren't that popular are now the biggest ones. It was strange how much can change in three years.
I heard footsteps and saw a shadow approach me. "What up, man?" Stan said half dazed. My fingers and eyes stayed on the computer, quickly exiting the site I was on. "I thought you were asleep?"
"Yeah, can't really sleep." He said as he laid back on my mattress across from me.
"Me neither."
"What do you think of Michelle?"
"She's cool."
"Is that all?"
"Why?"
"Because I saw you and the way you stared at her. You like her, don't you?"
"No, I don't."
"Come on, you know it."
"I'm not in the least bit attracted to her in that way."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I was just staring at her because I thought I saw her before."
"Really. That's all?"
"Well, I saw her in a dream."
"What? You saw her in a dream?"
"Yeah, it was this weird dream I had a while ago and she was in it."
"What was the dream about?"
"Us being a band. It was you and me playing together. I had an acoustic guitar and you were playing a snare drum. We were walking in this weird Alice and wonderland setting and we came across her with her upright bass. "
"Wait. You had a dream about her being in our band before you even got the band back together?"
"Yeah."
"That's freaky, man."
"I know."
"I had that happen to me before."
"Really, about a band?"
"No, when you dream about something and it becomes real, like Deja Vu."
"Really?"
"Yeah, It happens to me a lot."
"Hmmm"
"What else did you dream about?"
"We were playing in this dystopian city cover by dark gray clouds that parted when we played."
"What the fuck?"
"Yeah, I don't know what it means too."
"Maybe we'll change the world with our music."
"When hell freezes over."
I entered our loft and looked around to see if the coast was clear. No one was home. I set the laptop down and hurried into the bathroom. I really needed to pee. The door burst open as I ran in and shut it. I pants came off to reveal my adult diaper. I had switched from the plastic ones to this kind, which was like wearing a pull up. It was even more discrete and I was making head way with my re-training. I have been able to feel when I need to go and it's giving me enough time to get to a toilet. All that was needed now was to do it more often so my bladder would get used to it.
I exited the bathroom after a successful try in using the toilet. My diaper, or padded brief as it's called, was dry, so I saw no reason to change it. I opened my new laptop and sat on my mattress as I set it up. It was time consuming. Twenty minutes was gone when it was finally ready for use. I wasted no time in heading straight for the internet explorer icon. The internet was up and running in the place, which was cool. I knew Stan couldn't go without an internet connection. I typed in Diaperbuddies first. I wanted to get all of this out of the way before Stan and Jimmy's cousin arrived. I entered my password and saw two unread messages. Not surprising for an account like this. They were from some friends I made on this site. They were old, too. One was almost a year, with the other only being a few months. I replied to both, apologizing for my absences and responding to their questions.
After that, it was a few other websites. Some diaper-related, some not. My email was filled with almost one hundred unread messages, mostly email notifications from other sites. Finally, I logged onto my Myspace page, which laid dormant for almost two years. I had a pile-up of unread messages, friend request and comment approvals. They were all from old high school friends that I haven't seen in a while. I decided to do some quick edits on my profile. I changed my location to Los Angeles, updated my "About Me" section and took a new picture with Stan camera. I knew people would be interested to see my longer hair and Abraham Lincoln beard, which I thought was cool.
A loud noise broke my concentration while I was typing. I looked up to see Stan opening the door and leading a female into our loft. Her face bore an immediate resemblance to me. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a very skinny body structure. Her face, however, caught my attention. She was the girl in my dream. She was the one who played the upright bass. This was all to strange. She was joining our band as a bass player, and before I met her, she was in my dream with Stan playing upright bass. It was like Deja Vu, but instead with full clarity. "Brian, this is Michelle, Jimmy's cousin." Stan announced.
"Hey, what's up." She said as she extended her arm to greet me.
"Hi." I replied to her as I met her hand. I was trying not to make it seem like I was surprised, but my mind was in shock.
"You must be Brian."
"Yeah. The lead singer."
"I heard your stuff. It sounds cool."
"Thanks. That’s what everyone tells me."
"So, you guys want to jam?" She immediately asked both of us.
"I love this girl. Straight to the point." Stan exclaimed. Michelle laughed, finding his brand of humor rather funny from what it seems. "Brian, can you help me with her stuff?"
"Yeah, sure."
She was all set up. Stan sat behind his drum set, poised to start showing off for Michelle. I set my new guitar up with my amp and did a quick tuning as Michelle did the same. The bass guitar hanging from her shoulder was a popular bass among the Ibanez series. The Ibanez ATK, I believe it‘s called. "Alright, what do you guys want to play?" Stan asked.
"How about some covers?" Michelle suggested.
"What do you know?"
"I know a whole bunch of Offspring and No Use For A Name, a few Bad Religion, and a NoFX song."
"What Offspring do you know?" I asked.
"I know most of their early stuff, most of Americana, and some of the new songs."
"Do you know Gotta Get Away?" Stan asked.
"Yeah."
"Brian, you are oddly reserved. Isn't the Offspring your favorite band?"
"Yes." I responded rather sarcastically.
"They are?" Michelle said with great glee
"Yeah, since I was 8."
"I've been a fan since I was 12."
"Cool."
"Brian loves them. Isn't Gotta Get Away your favorite tune?" Stan pointed out
"Yes. Did you two set this up in the car?"
"No." Stan said innocently.
"Let's just play." Michelle insisted.
"Alright." Stan clicked his sticks and began the opening of the song. Michelle followed easily as I came in, showing off my guitar and vocal skill. As the song ended, it seemed evident that we work together perfectly. We continued playing some more songs, showing her how to play some of ours. She caught on really quick. She was a really good bass player. Way beyond Adam's playing level, which was a feat in itself because Adam was pretty damn good. She even improved some of our songs, adding more to the bass parts then Adam ever did. She was definitely a keeper.
After playing, we went out to eat at the nearby Denny’s. We were hungry and we wanted to get to know her better, or at least I did. I don't know how well Stan got to know her on the way. I was still mesmerized by her striking similarities to the girl in my dream. Maybe that dream was more then a wake-up call.
The waitress came and took orders. She was rather jaded and tired with her hair scraggly and her make-up running a bit. Probably a hard day. She left us to our conversation. "So, Michelle. How long you been playing?" I asked
"Three years." She replied
"Really? Been in any other bands?"
"Well, there was this one band, but we broke up after a year. We were actually kind of good, you know, but we just didn't get along."
"Yeah, we know what you mean."
"So, why did you guys break up for three years?"
"It's a long story."
"We got time."
"Well, Stan and I were really committed to the band, but our old bass player wasn't really all that committed."
"We decided to move to Fresno to get out of our old home town.", Stan took over, "After less then a year of no gigs, he up and left, frustrated with the whole thing."
"We supported ourselves by working part time, and he made the most money out of all us because he didn't go to school, so he worked full time. I had to leave and, by the grace of the lord almighty, got a cheap place in Fresno."
"I went home and stayed for a year, then came to LA."
"Yeah, after about three years, I got a couple degrees under my belt, but I didn't really want to be a English teacher. A friend helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life. So, I tracked down Stan and got the band back together."
"I was in that band I told you about."
"Is that all?" She asked.
"Pretty much."
"Wow, that was a really boring story." We laughed as the waitress dropped off our food. We continued talking about stuff. "So, you go to school or anything?"
"No, I just graduated. Got a degree in engineering."
"You going to use it?"
"No. I really would rather do music. I've loved music ever since I was little. My dad was a jazz musician and he died of lung cancer when I was six. He left me his saxophone and I started playing. Got into punk music when I was a preteen. Nothing special, just stuff like Good Charlotte and Simple Plan. I grew out of it and really got into Bad Religion for a while. All I wrote was political stuff that was no good. Then I picked up bass guitar. Been stuck ever since."
"Cool. So what are you going to do about practice and shows?"
"I'm moving in with Jimmy. I've been trying to do it for a while, trying to get out of the small town I live in."
"Hmm, cool."
We left the restaurant at around 8:00 and headed back home. Jimmy came by, picked up Michelle and took her back to his place to stay the night. She'll be moving to his place in the next few days. Stan went to sleep early. He was beat from all the driving and the drumming he did. He said that was the fastest he played in a long time. The stuff he did with Anti-Static was nothing compared to what he did with us. He was out and I was left alone with me and my laptop. I checked all my diaper-related accounts first. Everything was like it used to be, just with different names and faces. I forgot how many different profiles I had on different sites. Some sites were long gone and some of the little ones that weren't that popular are now the biggest ones. It was strange how much can change in three years.
I heard footsteps and saw a shadow approach me. "What up, man?" Stan said half dazed. My fingers and eyes stayed on the computer, quickly exiting the site I was on. "I thought you were asleep?"
"Yeah, can't really sleep." He said as he laid back on my mattress across from me.
"Me neither."
"What do you think of Michelle?"
"She's cool."
"Is that all?"
"Why?"
"Because I saw you and the way you stared at her. You like her, don't you?"
"No, I don't."
"Come on, you know it."
"I'm not in the least bit attracted to her in that way."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I was just staring at her because I thought I saw her before."
"Really. That's all?"
"Well, I saw her in a dream."
"What? You saw her in a dream?"
"Yeah, it was this weird dream I had a while ago and she was in it."
"What was the dream about?"
"Us being a band. It was you and me playing together. I had an acoustic guitar and you were playing a snare drum. We were walking in this weird Alice and wonderland setting and we came across her with her upright bass. "
"Wait. You had a dream about her being in our band before you even got the band back together?"
"Yeah."
"That's freaky, man."
"I know."
"I had that happen to me before."
"Really, about a band?"
"No, when you dream about something and it becomes real, like Deja Vu."
"Really?"
"Yeah, It happens to me a lot."
"Hmmm"
"What else did you dream about?"
"We were playing in this dystopian city cover by dark gray clouds that parted when we played."
"What the fuck?"
"Yeah, I don't know what it means too."
"Maybe we'll change the world with our music."
"When hell freezes over."
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