We exited the stage after a heart pounding performance. I was more nervous about this then anything I have ever done before. The crowd applauded and seemed to be very pleased by our performance, despite it being nothing but conformist. That's what I thought, anyway. We passed another band who performed earlier that night. The singer looked at me and gave me a thumbs up. "Great job, man. That was awesome." he said
"Really? You think so?" I said out of breath
"Dude, seriously. All those other crappy bands have nothing on you guys."
"Yeah, I was really nervous."
"Don't be. It's safe to say you are the best vocalist in this godforsaken town."
"Really?"
"Yeah, every other local band I see is just mediocre or even terrible singers. You bands lucky to have you."
"Yeah, well I'm lucky to have my band."
"Same here. I'm thinking of leaving this place after we graduate and heading to the So Cal."
"Really? What about college?"
"I might go to college there, but who knows. I just want to get outta here."
"Yeah, I know." He started to walk away when I remembered something. "Hey, are you still up for the LA show?"
"If we can make the trip." He and his band walked away and I joined Adam and Stan behind the theatre. We were all tired and didn't want to stay and see the underclassmen perform a cover of some stupid pop-punk band. We loaded Adam's truck with our stuff and left for Jack in the Box. The ride was filled with stupid banter about each others mothers and ex-girlfriends. The guys were careful to bring up Mandy. We haven't spoken in a while and I haven't made any attempts to do so. I guess I just lost interest in her.
Adam pulled into the parking lot slowly and parked. We exited the truck and walked through the empty lot and into the almost empty restaurant. We ordered our food and took a seat while we waited. We continued on about what we were going to do after we graduated, and the question I've been waiting to hear made itself present. It was taking it;s time, but it's finally here. I didn't know what to do when it came, though. Nothing I can do, really. "So what about the band?" Adam asked. A silence hovered over us with a look of unsure stares looking back and forth at each other.
"I definitely have no idea what I'm doing." Stan made apparent that he hadn't thought much about his future. I don't blame him. It's a scary thought.
"I got two ideas for what I'm going to do. Either move out and apply to some schools out of state or stay home, go to community college for a year, then leave." I admitted.
"But where?" Adam asked.
"I don't know." Idea's flourished through my mind, but one stuck out. "Southern California?" Adam and Stan looked at me and then stared at each other and returned their gaze's back to me. "Southern California..." Stan said thinking intently.
"What, you guys aren’t considering it, are you?"
"It's an idea." Adam stated. "A damn good idea."
"What? We can't afford it."
"You can't afford it alone". Stan pointed out, "All three of us in a one bedroom apartment could survive, and think." He paused for a second, "Southern California. The place were punk rock thrives. If we go down there, we could make something of ourselves."
"Are you sure?"
"Brian, let me ask you this: What career do you want in life?" I paused and thought for a second. I went over every option in my head and couldn't think of anything. I didn't want to be a scientist, or a doctor, or a lawyer, or even a teacher. I turned back to Stan whose point was reaffirmed. "You see. We all don't have a goal in life and this band is all we care about. So..."
"147!" the women behind the counter shouted. Adam got up and went to retrieve the food while Stan continued with his point. "We can do it, man." He could tell I was still not convinced. "You knew your the best vocalist in this place, and I'm the only drummer who can not only change tempos during a song, but to the accurate tempo we wrote. No other idiot in this town can do that."
"What about Adam?" I asked
"Well... He... He... He owns a bass, but that’s not the point. Okay, we are not the most intelligent assholes around," Adam sat down with our food, "But we can pull this off."
"I'm still not sure."
"Okay." Stan held up his hands in defeat. "It's a fresh idea. Sit on it and lets eat."
We walked out of the restaurant and made our way to Adam's truck. I saw a little white car parked next to it. I immediately recognized it and the girl leaning against the car. It was Mandy. She must have followed us and waited for me to come out from the restaurant. "Uh-oh", Adam muttered under his voice. He never liked Mandy... ever. He was glad that we broke up. She looked at him with disgust and returned he eyes to me. "Brian, can we talk?"
"Alright." I owed it to her. We did go out for 11 months and just broke up abruptly. I walked over to her. She looked at me with her blue eyes and spoke softly. "Could we go to your house and talk on the way." She asked.
"Sure." I turned to Stan and Adam, "Guys, you go along without me."
"Sure, man. See you later." Adam relied
"Later." Stan shouted, "And think about I said."
"Yeah." I waved to them as Adam pulled away in his black truck. It was just me and Mandy alone in this parking lot. I didn't know what words could be said. I had nothing to say to her. "Let's go." She finally said. We got into the car and she started it up and left the parking lot. "So, it's been three weeks and you haven't called."
"We broke up." She stopped the car in the middle of the dead street and stared at me. "Is that what you have to say to me, after all we've been through."
"What do you what me to say?"
"I don't know. I just want you to say something other then the usual shit. It's almost like you have nothing on your mind."
"What if I have nothing to say to you."
"Are you angry at me?"
"No, far from it."
"Then what is it." We started moving again.
"I don't know how to say it without hurting you feelings."
"Just say it."
"I don't love you." She didn't reply right away. She just soaked it in. "I didn't call because I felt that our relationship just ran its course."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For treating you badly."
"You didn't."
"Well, how was I supposed to know? You never called to say you're sorry and I thought you hated me."
"It's not you. It's nothing you did. You were right."
"What do you mean?"
"I never did fully let you in."
"You mean you were keeping secrets?"
"Yes."
"Like what?"
"Not your typical secret."
"Were you cheating?"
"Nothing like that."
"Well, what is it?"
"I just can't tell you."
"Why not!? You know I love you and I wouldn't think differently about you no matter what you say. Please."
"I'm afraid..."
"Of what?"
"Because!" I hesitated for a moment. I almost blurted it out, "It's something personal."
"I thought you loved me?" She said as tears formed in her eyes.
"I don't. Not anymore, at least."
"Your full of shit." She spoke with sudden anger amidst her sorrow.
"You wanted the truth and the truth is I don't love you. What else is do you want me to say."
"Fine. So this is how it will end?"
"I guess so."
"Goodbye, Brian."
"Goodbye."
I watched her car drive away as I let myself into my house. I walked up the stairs and entered my room. I looked out the window and saw my hometown. It wasn't just Mandy and I who have run our course. It was the whole town and I. I wanted out of here. I wanted out this boring life. The life never worked out for me. I remember my first day of kindergarten to vividly for my own good. It was like that for a long time, but the insults got worse. I got picked on for liking different things, for being in band instead of the football team, because I pushed people away and was always alone because I preferred it that was. When it did finally stop, the damage was already done. I felt alone, hurt and insecure. That’s when my diaper fetish kicked in. I guess it was to take the hurt away... or was it. I still don't think that’s it. The reason is still hiding beyond the reaches of mind and it doesn't look like it will show itself anytime soon. What was left to do. Should I just stay and continue living in this place that has gone so bad for me or..., Then it clicked. It all made sense. I knew what had to be done. I grasped my cell phone that was in my pocket and search through my list of numbers. I pressed dial and listen to it ringing. Then I heard the other end pick up. "Hello?"
"Stan."
"Hey, Brian. What did you an Mandy talk about?"
"Never mind that now. Listen, do you think we could survive in California."
"Definitely. If we pull all the money we have, we could get a small one bedroom apartment and work on getting our name out."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Alright, I'm in."
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