The Story of MusicBaby

This is the story of my beginnings as an AB. My first time wearing a diaper after being potty trained was when I was little and I snagged one of my sister's diapers and put it on over my underwear. Prior to that, I practice putting diapers on my stuffed animals (which my mother didn't mind). One day, when I was alone, I thought to myself, "Hey, whats stopping me from putting a diaper on?". I had this weird fascination with diapers for some reason, so I just did it and I loved it. Every now and again, I would go and put one on over my underwear and I felt so naughty because of it. The next level to that was wearing the diaper without my underwear on. That felt even more incredible.

Well, a few years pass. I'm home alone again and I think to myself, "Hey, it's been a long time since I've worn a diaper. I'll go put one on." I do so, and while I am wearing it, I get the feeling that I needed to pee. I remove the diaper, but suddenly get the idea to use the diaper. I put it back on and pee in it. It felt so incredible. However, my mother caught me in my little act a while back and it made me feel so wrong. She was very mad at me and it made me question whether or not this was the right thing.

Well, a few years pass again and I feel bad for these feelings and desires to wear and use diapers. I felt like a bad person in the eyes of my mother and in the eyes of god. This continued until one day, I found a wikipedia page detailing the concept of AB/DL and sexual fetishes. I felt relieved that I wasn't alone. That night, while my family slept, I went into my garage with diaper and used it for the first in a long time.

It wasn't too long afterwards that I came to the conclusion that pooping in the diaper would be the ultimate experience of wearing a diaper. So, one night, I waited until my family went to bed, crept into the garage and put on the diaper. I had the feeling the poop, which the was first and foremost thing I took care before this. I held in my bowel movement until my mother finally fell asleep. I could feel it while I strapped on the diaper. Finally, it was time, but it wouldn't come out. After a good push, I felt me mess myself and this feeling of being a complete baby come over me. It was that last piece to the puzzle that I wanted. The following night, however, I learned the downside to that puzzle piece. I made it one of those "every now and then" kind of things to avoid that awful mess.

So here I am, a devout AB/DL. I don't wear often due to lack of privacy. I live with my retired parents. I also do not have options to what kind of diapers I can wear. The local pharmacies only sell the cloth cover kind which I hate. I could buy online, but again, no privacy. But it remain within myself. I will never let it go and plan to take full advantage of getting my own place when the time comes.

Going Nowhere, Chapter Ten: Why Don't You Say You're Sorry?

Jesus, it's been 3 years since I've been on a date. God, even as friends, I felt some sort of angst and pressure. I've never noticed how attractive she was until the other day when I opened up to her. I guess I never looked at her in that way. I never took the time to actually see the beauty behind the friendship we shared. My mind is always on how damn pathetic my life is, I never took a look around to see the actual surroundings. It's almost like a cover that finally removed itself when I decide to take my life to a more positive level. God, it feels good to be alive.
eight o' clock was nearing and I was as ready as I could be. I got my best shirt, which was a polo shirt I've had in my closet for a while, and a pair of new jeans I bought today. All my old jeans are ragged and worn, much like the jeans worn by the early 90's grunge movement, which I so admired. I showered twice and made sure I didn't smell like an old diaper. I had the window open to air out the used diaper smell which haunted the air, and some lit incense to cover the smell. I never smelled it that much until lately. I'm kind of proud of myself, though. I was able to use the toilet for the first time in a long while. It happened four times. Twice yesterday and twice today. My bladder had not completely lost itself, but it was going to take a while for it to fully regain control. I was, for protection reasons, wearing a diaper, but it was discretely hidden under my jeans. Even though Naomi is aware of my wearing, I still wanted to keep it covert and unnoticed by the world.
The time came for us to go on our "just friends" date. I walked over to her apartment and knocked on the door quietly. I heard scuffling on the inside and a hand grasp the door handle. The door opened and revealed Naomi, wearing a pair of jeans and a sweater. Her hair was as beautiful as the first time I realized how beautiful she was. Her lips were glossing like a lake on a bright, clear day. Her voice penetrated the thickness that was my train of thought and brought me back down to reality. "Hey, Brian."
"Hi, Naomi."
"Can we wait a bit? My babysitter is running late."
"Sure." She moved over slightly, letting me pass by her and into her apartment. Like mine, it is well kept. Unlike mine, however, it is much brighter and had a less dark appeal to it. To my immediate right was the kitchen. Further into the apartment was the living room. In it was a couch, a TV, and a lamp, illuminating the room. Between the couch and the kitchen was a hallway that led to the bedrooms and a bathroom. I strolled over to the couch as Naomi made a quick peak outside to see if the babysitter was coming up. She retracted her head and closed to door as I took my seat. She glided over to me and took a seat next to me. "So, what did you have in mind?" She asked me.
"Well, I thought, since I have a few gift cards to it, we could go to that restaurant on 4th."
"Oh, the place, uh, what was it called?"
"Tuscany."
"Oh, okay."
"Then maybe we could do a little activity afterwards."
"What kind?"
"I don't know. Maybe bowling?"
"Oh, I love bowling. My dad, before he passed away, had all these free passes to the local bowling alley and we would go there all the time."
"Okay, so dinner, then the bowling alley."
"How about reverse, if that’s okay?"
"Okay, whatever you would like."
"Alright, was have a plan."
"Mommy." A small, innocent voice rang out in the air. Naomi's head turned to see Maya, in her pj's, standing in edge of the hallway.
"Sweet pea, I thought you were sleeping?"
"I can't sleep." She said softly as she walked over and climbed into her mother's arms.
"What's the matter?"
"My night light wont work."
"Is it broken?"
"I don't know."
"Just sit her for one second and I will check on it." Naomi got up and went into the kitchen. She pulled out a drawer and reached in for a small light bulb. She closed the drawer, walked into the hallway and into Maya's room. Maya sat next to me and smiled at me. "Hello." I said as nicely as I could.
"Hi, Brian."
"How are you?"
"I'm okay. Are you and my Mommy going somewhere?"
"Yeah are going to go out to eat and bowl."
"Bowl?"
"Yeah, it's a game. You take a big, heavy ball and roll it done a long path. At the end of the path is a bunch of stick things called pins. The idea is to knock over as many pins as you can with the ball."
"Sounds easy."
"It's harder then you think, because if you let you ball go too far to the sides, it will fall into a thing called the gutter and miss the pins completely."
"Can I come?"
"I'm sorry, but maybe another time. This is just between Me and your mommy." She paused for a second and continued the conversation. "I'm sorry for being so nosy."
"Nosy?"
"That’s what mommy called it."
"You weren't nosy and you didn't offend me at all."
"Okay. I just felt bad."
"It's okay. Don't worry about it." Her mother emerge with a burnt out bulb in her hand and a satisfied grin on her face. "It was the bulb." She said victoriously.
"Can I go to bed now?"
"Yes, you can."
"Night, Brian." She as she jumped off the couch and ran into her mother's arms, hugging one last time before she went to bed. "Night, Mommy." Her voiced was muffled by her mother's sweater. "Good night, sweet pea." Her mom retorted. They released from each other and Maya ran into her bedroom. Just as the door of her bedroom closed, the door let a soft knock ring out. "That must be the baby sitter." Naomi said as she walked over to greet her regular babysitter and let her inside. She was a older women, in her 60's, wearing an over coat and a scarf. She quickly noticed me. "And who might you be?" She asked me as she set her purse done.
"I'm Brian."
"Nana, this is my friend. He taking me out tonight." Naomi said to the old lady.
"Oh, you have a date." Nana said with great delight.
"It's not a date. We're just friends."
"That’s how me and my Felix started out. He looked so handsome when he took me out on our first date."
"Yes, I know, you told me before."
"You two best be going now."
"Yes, we should." Naomi said looking at me. We walked over to the door. Instinctively, I grasped the handle and opened it for Naomi. "You two have fun." Nana said as we walked out the door. It closed behind us and we were on our way. "Do you want to take your car?" Naomi asked me.
"Yeah, if that’s fine."
"Yeah, my cars almost out of gas."
"Then I think that would be best."
Bowling was fun. I got a score of 140, which, by my standards, is pretty impressive. Naomi beat me with a 190, however. She was really good. I haven't bowled since I was in high school. On my last date, as a matter of fact. We left the bowling alley at 9:30 and headed for the restraint. I figured it was the best place to go since I keep getting all these gift cards for it from relatives. I never really eat out much. Not much reason to.
We entered to find that there was no waiting necessary. This was a slow night. The hostess seated us almost immediately. We were seated in a part of the restraint that was very empty, aside from a couple eating in the corner. We sat next to the window with a great view of my car. "Hey, look, if my car gets stolen, we can watch." I said to her as we sat down. She laughed quietly. "Yeah, you can give them pointers on trying to steal it."
"Just knock on the glass, 'You have to pump the gas pedal'." I impersonated. Her laughter continued.
"So..." She said, letting her laughter subside and seeking something to talk about.
"How is life?" I asked her.
"Good, Maya is doing well at school, which, I think, goes to the credit of my babysitter."
"Yeah. How is you job?"
"Pretty good. I'm thinking of going back to school, though. Maybe becoming a full doctor. I've seen there job and it doesn't look to hard. Plus, it's always been a dream of mine."
"I think the shows like 'ER' just make it look hard."
"Yeah."
"What about your interest in Psychiatry?"
"Well, it takes a lot of school, and plus I'm just interested in it. Not enough to get into a career."
"I see."
"So what have you been up to."
"Thinking. Seems to be the only thing I'm good at nowadays."
"Have you tried getting a job at a school?"
"I was thinking about it, but then again is that what I really want to do?"
"Well, you went college for it?"
"Yeah, but I'm having second thoughts. The only reason I choose that for a career is because that’s what the coin flip turned out to be."
"What do you really want to do?"
"I don't know. Every job out there is not for me, except..."
"Except what?"
"A musician."
"Why didn't you become one?"
"Well, I tried, but it didn't work out."
"Why?"
"Well, I was in a band with two of my best friends, Stan Koija and Adam Milner. We left our home town in hopes of making our music into something and when we got here, it was 11 months of nothing. Every waking moment that was not dedicated to school of our jobs was dedicated to the band. Adam, by the sixth month, which was November, was getting really frustrated with all this. He had a job at his dad's factory and was making enough that he didn't need to worry about school for a while. Stan, however, convinced him to leave town with me and come to Sothern California and do something with our music. He said that if we didn't get a gig by the following June, which was a year for us, he would leave. He, however, left before that, in April. I don't know where he went after that. We knew he was serious about leaving, too. I was worried about paying the rent because Stan and I both worked part time, but Stan was worried about the band. I told him we had to move out, get another place and just forget about the band for a while, but he wouldn't hear it. All he cared about was the band. So, I had to leave and take care of myself. I still kind of regret doing that."
"Why don't you go back and make things right?"
"What?"
"Well, if you are stable now then you were before, you could be able to concentrate on the band."
"I don't know if Stan wants to talk to me after how I left him there just floundering."
"Hey, you said he was you best friend. If that was true, he will always want to talk to you."
"I guess your right. I'll have to sleep on it."
We left the restraint at 10:30 and started heading home. It was dark, but the night life was vibrant enough to light the way. I parked gently and we both got out of the car. As we walked up to her apartment, Naomi asked a startling question. "Brian, can we just relax at your place for a little while?"
"Don't you want to get back to Maya?"
"Well, I just want to have a little more time to relax and not worry about her. She fine with Mrs. Hallorann for a little while longer."
"I see." We quietly passed her apartment and let ourselves into mine. It was dark and still, just like I left it. We both sat down on the couch and began talking more. I've down a great deal to keep diapers off the topic of discussion. I didn't want that to be the basis of our relationship. Somehow, it just had to show up. "Brian?", Naomi spoke over our chatter.
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Yeah."
"How open have you been with your fetish to people."
"Well, truth be told, you and Maya are the first to know."
"How come you never told anyone else?"
"I guess I was too afraid."
"How come you aren't afraid now?"
"I guess I've learned to overcome my fear."
"Hmm..."
"Why do you ask?"
"No reason." The look on her face said differently.
"Are you sure?"
"Well, it's just I've never been open to anyone about things in my life and I wanted to know if you could be someone that I can tell my secrets to."
"Really?"
"Yes. You already shared with me your secrets, I wanted to know if I could trust you with mine?"
"Of course. What do you want to tell me?"
"Well, it's not a secret that I've always wanted to be a mother, but everyone thought I was too young."
"Yeah."
"When I met my boyfriend, I knew he wanted to go all the way with me, but I knew he didn't want any kids. He would be upset if he found out what I'm about to tell you."
"Okay."
"I guess what I am trying to say is everyone thought that me having Maya was a mistake, but truth is I wanted it to happen."
"Really?"
"I wanted to care for another human being so bad that I was willing to have a baby at a young age to do so. So the night me and my boyfriend had sex, I gave him a ripped condom." Tears formed in her eyes, "He didn't find out until later that it was ripped and he was mad at me, almost as if her knew. He left me after that and I was left with my mom, and she was disappointed me. She cried the night I found out. I started to feel that I let my family down when I got pregnant, and that it was a real mistake." She was crying softly now, sniffling a little between each word. "Do you think I ruined my life by doing that?"
"No, not at all." I said in a reassuring voice, "It's what you wanted. Was it too early, maybe, but you didn't ruin your life. Maya is well taken cared of. She has a home, she has clothes, food and a mother that loves her. Was it the decision that society wanted you to make? No, but who care about what the normal world thinks. The only thing that matters is that you and Maya are happy."
"Thank you." She hugged me and left. I had a hard time getting to sleep tonight. Finally, I could rest, but could I?

Going Nowhere, Chapter Nine: Maybe It's Time

Well, it's official. I need to do something. Life is truly starting to get too lifeless. I needed to do something now or die, because that is what I am doing to myself. I am letting all my hopes and dreams die. Really, is this were I want to be in ten years? Is this where I want to be now? No friends, no love life, sitting home alone in a diaper. I don't think so. I've let myself get too comfortable in this situation for too long. It was time to really change my life.
This is one inspiring drive home from work. I thought a lot about what Maya and I talked about yesterday. It consumed my whole mind the rest of yesterday and today. It was one of the first real intimate human contact I've had in a long while, and I liked how it felt. It made me feel happy inside to talk with a living person instead of pushing them away. My day seemed brighter because of it. My work was a little sloppy, too, but the boss was too busy to notice. We just hired a new guy, and he is the epitome of new. No clue whatsoever. I didn't really pay much attention, though. My mind was on fire with inspiration. I didn't know what to do with this new found passion. What could I apply it too? School was over and I had no other outlet. I needed something, but what?
I did a couple half-ass stops at stop sign because, though partly distracted with inspiration, I really needed to pee. My body knew it was in a diaper, but I was doing my best to hold it back. I wanted to re-potty train myself. I know it sounds weird, but its what I wanted. I needed to start somewhere and this was it. I could do this and then take it from there. My tire screeched as my engine died away and I ran up to my apartment. Four flights of stairs never seemed so difficult before. I finally reached my level and ran to my apartment door at the very end of the hallway. I stopped, almost skidding off the rail, over the edge and to the ground below. My hand jumbled my keys, but it was too late. The pain was too much. My bladder let loose and I felt the warm sensation of failure fill my already soaked diaper. Now, I just needed to go inside and change myself and try again later.
I entered my silent apartment and went into my bedroom. I took off my pants and removed my soaked diaper. My hands neatly folded it and tossed it into the pail directly behind me. I cleaned my private area and put some baby powder that I had stashed in the closet along with my other baby accessories. Sometimes, when I absolutely have nothing to do, I just lay in bed in a diaper, sucking on a pacifier and holding a stuffed animal I won at a fair a long time ago. It reminded me of a simpler time. It made me feel better in a weird way. I guess I'm slowly turning into an adult baby since then. I used to be just a diaper lover, but with all that is not happening with my life, I sought a new kind of way to waste my time. I knew I wanted to put it aside to change my situation, but do I really want to give it up? I didn't know. It's so much apart of me, do I really need to give it up to make myself happy. So many question, so little solution. Perhaps I should just wait and think about it, and maybe I can find my answer.
I unfolded a fresh diaper and fastened it around me and went straight for my couch. I was going to watch TV until I felt the need to pee, then I was rush to the bathroom. I didn't anything else to do, so I'll potty train myself in my spare hours. As the TV lit up, I thought about completely getting rid of my diaper fetish. What would life be like if I did? Would I be a more confident person? Why did I start wearing to begin with? I felt the partly sexual urge to wear them when I was younger. When I finally did, it felt relieving in a way. Since then, it became less sexual and more spiritual. It seemed to be my only connection to the simple time in my life before I start kindergarten. Was it a stress relief, or a life relief? Did I wear to make life easier or to make life easier to deal with? What kind of relief was I looking for, and can I still get it now? Damn questions.
A soft knock rapt at my door. Who could it be this time? "One second!" I shouted as I went to grab my pants, put them on and went to the door. I opened to see Naomi with a very concerned look on her face. "Hey, Brian." She said before I could even utter a word. "Can I come in?"
"Yes, by all means."
"Thank you." She said as I widened the door to let her come inside. She passed me and stood by my couch, looking around. "Is there something wrong?" I asked, addressing the concerned expression evident on her brow.
"I just wanted to apologize if Maya offended you in any way by asking about your condition."
"What?"
"Your condition?"
"My condition?"
"Your bladder control problem?"
"No, kids just have a natural curiosity."
"Listen, if I had known, I would have told her to keep quiet about it."
"Yeah, I do my best keep it a secret." I felt now was the time to be open about this. Naomi was nice and a very understanding person. However, she might think I'm a freak and never take Maya anywhere near me again. What did I have to lose? Nothing, really. "Please, take a seat."
"I can't stay long. Maya is in her room. I kind of gave her a little scowl because she told me what you two talked about yesterday."
"Hey, she has every right to ask. I would never be offended by a child’s natural ability to question everything they see." I said as I sat down.
"I'm glad you are not upset."
"Oh, no need to apologize."
"So, how did you become incontinent?"
"Uh, well, that was a little fib I told on my part." Here it goes...
"Excuse me?"
"Well, I am not incontinent."
"But you told Maya-"
"Yeah, because she could not understand why I really wear adult diapers."
"Why do you where adult diapers?"
"Well, it's kind of hard to explain."
"I'm all ears, Brian."
"Promise you are not going to get all grossed out and stuff?"
"I promise. What is it?"
"Well, have you ever heard of a fetish?"
"Oh, you are one of those people." She said, already showing a tone of understanding in her voice.
"What?"
"I've heard of them before. Diaper fetishist, right?"
"Yeah." I said stunned and confused
"So you wear... because you like it?"
"I used to, but now I have to because I have to because I lost control."
"You mean?..."
"Yep."
"Oh. I understand." A short paused came between us.
"So," I hesitated as I searched for the words. "You are not creeped out at all"
"No, I understand fully. I took a psychology class when I was in high school. As a project, we had to do a research paper on human sexuality. Some guy did his on that and I did more research into it. I thought it was weird at first, but then I was more fascinated by it. The whole reasoning behind I thought nice. The desire to revert back to a stage of comfort and no worry was pretty cool."
"Really?"
"Psychology was one of my favorite classes. I had it my junior year before I got pregnant with Maya. I was able to finish before I had to leave school."
"Wow."
"Yeah, I was really big into the human psych?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. I first got into it when I did research on the root of racism and a teacher recommended that I look into why people hate and discriminate."
"Oh, I see."
"I would have continued with it, but Maya came and..."
"I see. That’s kind of cool."
"Why do you wear them?"
"Well, at first it was almost sexual. Then it became some sort of a security blanket that kind of made me feel safe and secure."
"I see." A small pause disrupted our conversation. "This is kind of relieving. I thought you would be like, 'Oh, don't come near my daughter again', you know?" I relayed to her my initial thought over this.
"I know. It's a tough world for people to be excepted in. I would never be a person to judge someone by there differences. I mean, I was half-white, half-black kid growing up. My mom and dads relationship was looked down upon by a lot of people. I know what it's like to be scared to be yourself and to be afraid about being judged by others."
"Yeah, thank you for understanding." Suddenly, the light that shown in from the window created a glow around her. She looked more beautiful in that moment. I never realized how beautiful she was. In the heat of the moment, my mouth worked ahead of me. "Say, you want to have dinner some time?" At first, I thought she would reject me because of my new truth. I was not expecting what I got. "You know, I would love to." She said with a smile, "But just as friends, okay?"
"Yeah, sure."
"I see you here alone quite a bit, Brian. I think you need a friend."
"Yeah, I guess you are right. So, does tomorrow sound good?"
"Yeah, sure. eight o' clock?"
"Yeah." We stood up and walked to the door together. I opened the door, like the natural gentlemen I was raised to be, and smiled as she left. "Bye. See you tomorrow at eight."
"Yeah. Bye, Brian" She said with a bright tone in her voice. My door closed and I felt the world inside me celebrating the fact that life may not be going nowhere for me. Perhaps it's going somewhere.

Going Nowhere, Chapter Eight: Life is Going Nowhere

What happened to my life? How did I get here? How did everything just fall apart? At first the world is right in front of you, then it's gone with everything vanishing with it. Where did I go wrong? Was it all my fault? Or was the world to blame? I don't know anymore.
The sunlight poked through the small opening of my blinds on to the floor and my treadmill as I walked through my small, cheap apartment. I sat down on the couch and peered back at my bedroom, which had enough room for a bed and a night stand. My closet is where I had to put my dresser that I bought about a year ago. Until then, I just put my clothes on the floor. That’s all I had, too. I sold my laptop, guitars and my amp two years ago for extra money. That was before I got a raise and a promotion. Now, I don't even know if I want them back. I've given up on music, which is something I thought would never happen. It happened, nonetheless.
Across from my bedroom was my bathroom. When I first moved in here three years ago, it was dirty and disgusting. I had since taken the bravery to clean it and make it sanitary. Then there was my living room. I had a TV up against the wall that housed my bathroom behind it. Across the TV was my couch and coffee table. To my right I had blinds covering a sliding glass door that led out to a small balcony. In front of the blinds was a treadmill I brought from an old lady who was about ready to sing her final song before death's applause. It gave me something to do. I would often run on it for an hour or two, just thinking. Being in motion really helped me think about things. It helped me stay in shape, too, which was a bonus. To my left, I had a kitchen that held many types of junk food. I didn't care what I ate, as long as if was cheap and easy to make. This is where the treadmill comes in handy, too. This was my new home.
I sat quietly on the couch changing through the channels on my twenty inch flat screen I got as a gift from my mom and dad. I was overjoyed to think that, even when life was down, my family picked me up a little. It's nice to know that someone cares about you when you're down. I can never go back, though. Not like this. I tried so hard to make sure I didn't go back. After all I did to leave, I was to afraid to go back there. Maybe pride is too strong a sense for it's own good. I had no work today, as it was Sunday, and I finally graduated with an associates and a bachelors degree in English. It's not what I wanted, but it was my only option. It was getting down to the wire and I didn't want to put anymore money into school if I couldn't decide. How did I decide? I flipped a goddamn coin.
So I sat here, alone in my apartment, in a t-shirt and, of course, a diaper. Ever since I moved in here, I started to wear non-stop. It was one of the few upsides to this drastic change. I would come home after school or after work and put a diaper on until I had to leave again. Weekends saw no action in my bathroom. I decided to use my diaper for all its intents and purposes because I didn't care. I would be sitting down, inches from the toilet, soiling myself because I could. At night, every night, I would wear a diaper to bed and wake up with a feeling wanting to soil myself, and I did. Eventually, my body lost control.
It was a weird day when it went. When I walked outside, the world felt still and was like everyone was gone. I walked down the street to the corner store to get some groceries. I good the usual stuff, said hello to the lady at the cash register and paid for my items. I walked back and climbed the stairs to my room on the fourth level. Two feet away from my door, I felt my pants were wet. I looked down to see my jeans had a giant wet spot going down my pants. I quickly entered my apartment before anyone around noticed. The following weeks, I tried to go without a diaper, but eventually, I caved. I couldn't control it, but I gave it little effort, as I didn't care. I started wearing to school and work. My clothes covertly disguised and muffled the sound, but I knew what was there. Even if the world was oblivious to my problem, I wasn't. I was forced to caring extra back-up diapers in my car and in my bag. I made sure that I didn't lose complete control, so I still use the toilet, but the damage is done. I hope I will be able to fix it, but really, what is the point? Is there anything to look forward to? I don't even know anymore.
So who should I blame? Should I blame myself? The world? Maybe I should just take everything and throw it at someone just to make myself feel better. Would it? No, it wouldn't. Everything is my fault. It wasn't Stan or Adam's fault. It wasn't Mandy, my sister, mother, or father. It wasn't even Samantha Walter's fault. It was all my own. Every problem came with a choice, and I made the wrong choice every time. When my first day of Kindergarten was hell, It was because I let be hell. I didn't have to let it bother me. I could of easily rolled it off my shoulder. I could of easily let all the insults not bother me, but I let them. I let my them win, but I had a choice. They didn't have to win. I could of won, but I didn't try. I just kept blaming my problems on them. It truly is all my fault.
Why don't I change? Am I comfortable in this mess I created for myself. I guess I am. The only reason I bring up these horrible memories is it gives me something to think about in my solitude. I've cut myself off from the world. I don't talk to anybody at work. I didn't make any friends at my school. I didn't go to parties, shows, or any type of a social gathering other then the traditional family holidays where I would go up and meet the folks. I haven't spoken to Stan of Adam since I left the apartment. So what did I do? I thought. I would spend my days alone in my apartment in a diaper thinking about my life and all my options. I would run on the treadmill and think. It was all I would do. I had nothing else I wanted in life. It seems like I'm kind of living my dream life. I have a sure way to make a good living, I live in solitude and I get to where diapers 24/7. Why aren’t I happy? I guess even heaven has it's bad days.
On this early Sunday morning, I decided to continue my solitude. Hey, why break this perfect mold that I created for myself. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. Just dissatisfied. Maybe play a couple video games, watch a few movies, and maybe run for a while. That usually makes me happy in a sad sort of way. What an eventful day to look forward to. As I began to collect my motivation to get my eventful day started, three quick knocks rapt at my door. Who could it be? I wasn't expecting anyone, or was I? I could of forgotten. It's possible. I quickly get to my feet and speak out. "Who is it?"
"It's Naomi." A soft but firm voice answered, muffled by the door. Naomi was my neighbor. She lives about three doors down from me. I wonder what she could need from me. "One second." I shouted back. I walked quickly to my bedroom and picked up some pants. My leg shoved themselves into my jeans as quickly as they could. I checked to see if my zipper was up and if my diaper was showing, which it wasn't. Nobody knows and I intend on keeping it that way. It's not a matter of shame, but a matter of privacy. I walked to the door and opened it. There stood Naomi. Her hazel eyes were fixated on me. Her black hair was neatly brushed and laid against her light, ebony skin like it was connected. Holding her hand was her six year old daughter, Maya. She was dressed in a bright yellow dress with pink flowers printed on it and had a yellow ribbon in her hair. She stared up at me and looked as if she was disappointed. Naomi's look was more concerned and frustrated, however. "Hey, Brian."
"Hey." We've spoken before. I've caught her, on several occasions, carrying many bags of groceries and always offered my help. She is a nice person who has had a run of bad luck in her life. I can trust her. I know I don't have to block her out. She can be trusted. It's not a question of whether she can, though, but if I can. I know I can.
"Listen, my babysitter is sick and I have no one to look after Maya. Could you please?"
"Yeah, sure. No problem." I said with a reassured voice. I had no reason to object and I could never have made myself do so.
"Oh, thank you." Maya and Naomi entered hand and hand into my apartment, which, in my hours of solitude, managed to keep itself clean and sanitary. Maya let go of Naomi's hand and walked further into my apartment. She looked around, satisfying her curious nature which Naomi has told me about. "You can make yourself comfy on the couch." I said to her as she continued to look around. Her eyes never took off of the settings of my apartment, but her feet moved in the direction of my couch. I turned my head back to Naomi, who was searching through her bag for something. Her hands savaged through her purse and find what they are looking for. She pulled them out holding several movies, most of which are Disney. "Let her watch these movies. I should be back from my rounds around four. You don't mind watching her for that long?"
"Oh, no, not at all."
"Thank you again." She walked over to Maya, who has already seated herself on the couch and is still analyzing the apartment. She placed the movies on my coffee table and crouches down next to her. "Now, Maya. Are you going to be a good girl for me and behave for Brian."
"Yes, mommy." She says, making the missing teeth in her mouth known. She placed her hand on the daughters face and gently rubs it as she smiles. She stood and walked back over to me. She rummaged through her purse for a little piece of paper and wrote down a jumble of numbers, then handed it to me. "Here is my number. Call me if anything goes wrong. I will be at St. Paul Hospital."
"Yeah, don't worry, she'll be fine." I assured her. She took one look back at her daughter and left through the open door, closing it behind her. She is a nice person who has been through a lot. She is 22, like me, only slightly younger. She had Maya when she was sixteen and was dumped by her jackass boyfriend, whom I'm told is in jail for drug issues and grand theft auto. She went back to school after Maya was born was able to get her GED. She went to nursing school and became a registered nurse not to long ago. Her mother helped her out as best she could, but she died of lung cancer after she got her degree. She had been suffering a long time and she died in her sleep, which I think makes Naomi a little bit more content with herself. God, to live the life she has had, my compliant make me look like an asshole. I hope she can do alright, though. If she can manage her money right, she and her daughter, Maya, might live a nice life. I wish more for her, though.
I turn back to see Maya sitting on the couch. I set the piece of paper down by my phone, walked over to the blinds and opened them for sunlight. I turned to her to see her eyes are pierced on me and my every action. "What is this?" She points her finger to my treadmill. I figured she must have not seen one before. "It's a treadmill." I started, "You can run on it."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you just press these buttons on it to set what speed you want to run at and this thing," I put my hand on the part that moves, a name I can never remember, "It moves and you can walk and run on it."
"Neat." She said in a voice was trying to sound impressed, but sounded more tired that anything.
"So, you want to watch a movie?"
"Yes, please." She goes to the movies and pick one out. "This one, please." She says politely as she holds the movie in the air. It has a picture of a robot on the front and is made by a familiar name famous for making computer generated movies. I've seen it many times before. "You like this one?" I asked her.
"Yes. I think it's funny."
"Okay, lets watch."
The movie was rather entertaining. I've never seen it before, but I heard a lot about it. It had a lot different stuff in it. It mixed romance and politics with robots and comedy so well, I'm actually thinking of getting it myself. Those writers are pretty talented. I looked at Maya, who was watching the credits intently. "Who are all those people? Do you know?" She asked so innocently
"Those are the people who made the movie."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"What did they do?"
"Maya, that’s something I don't even know. I just know they are good at what they do."
"Can we watch another one?"
"Sure." I got up and grabbed one of the DVDs and went over to the DVD player. The player ejected the finished movie and was replaced by another movie, which was also made by the same people. The player closed and the blue screen went black, beginning the trailers for future movies to come. I went back to my couch and sat back down with Maya, who's eyes were fixed on my every action. She broke the silence by asking a question that I was not expecting. "Are you wearing a diaper?"
"What?" I was lost in all events that I forgot completely that I was indeed wearing a diaper. She must have noticed it when I was bending over, replacing the movies.
"Is that a diaper?"
"Uh..." I thought hard on how to respond. Every reason for why I was wearing what I was wearing was far to complex for a child to understand. She doesn't anything about sex and trying to explain a fetish or desire would just go right over her head. She, however, gave me my reason.
"Are you incotinat?", She asked, mispronouncing the word. Where did she hear that before? A child that young knowing a medical condition off the top of her head? Maybe Maya is brighter then Naomi talks about. It hit me like sudden realization of an obvious fact. Her mom's a nurse. She must have heard her mom use that word before for her patients who can't use the bathroom. Of course, she would also explain why some adults need bed pans, or adult diapers.
"Yes." I jumped on that excuse to explain my situation. It's a partial lie, but it beats the truth and having to explain all the reasons.
"Really?"
"Yes. I was in a car accident when I was in high school and I've needed to wear adult diapers since." Obviously, a lie required more lies to follow suit. It wont hurt her in any way, thinking that I am incontinent. Perhaps it's the safer solution in this rare case of it being okay to lie.
"Did you get picked on a lot?"
"I would have, but I hid it well."
"Really?"
"Yeah." The DVD finally reached the menu screen and I was about to press play when her curiosity continued. "Do you like wearing diapers?" She asked.
"Well, sometimes. Other times it's a hassle."
"Yeah, I liked it too, but my mommy said I had to be potty trained for kindergarten."
"Well, we all had to be potty trained for school."
"I was scared my first day of kindergarten."
"Really, why?"
"Because me and my mommy are always together, and the kids were really scary."
"Yeah, it can be like that."
"Were you scared on your first day?"
"Yes."
"You were?" She said amazed at the fact an adult can be scared.
"Yeah, absolutely terrified. My mom always kept me close to home and I never had much human contact until I started."
"Really, no friends."
"Yeah, I had no friends until high school."
"Wow, that’s sounds bad."
"Yeah, but somehow I got used to it."
"Do you still have friends now?" I paused for a moment. Why I am able to open up to this little girl is beyond me. Maybe it's her innocence, or maybe the fact that I can explain things to her on a simple level. "No, unfortunately." I regretfully stated. Her eyes lit up with amazement. "No friends!?"
"No. I haven't spoken to them in a long while."
"Why?"
"We just don't."
"Do you miss them sometimes?"
"Yeah, I do."
We continued to talk and watch movies until Naomi knocked on my door at 4:30. I got up and answered politely. "Hey," I turned my head to the couch. "Maya, you mom is here."
"Sorry I am late."
"No problem at all." She walked in as Maya grabbed her stuff and ran into her mom's arms. What a wonderful feeling to know your own mother's touch when you little. I miss that feeling sometimes. Naomi released her daughter from her arms and stood up to my level. She began to reach into her purse of her wallet. "How much would you like?"
"No, don't worry about it."
"Are you sure?"
"No, I would never dream of taking your money. Maya and I had a fun time."
"Oh, okay. Thank you, Brian. You're incredible." She said relieved and relaxed.
"Yeah, you're welcome. If you ever need it again, don't hesitate to ask."
"Thank you." She said one more time as she left. I closed the door and returned to my couch. I flipped through the channels, but thought about what Maya said. I do miss my friends, and sometimes I wish we could have the good ol' days back. When we would just not let the world bother us with our action, allowing us to do many things. Those days were precious. Now, life is going nowhere

Going Nowhere, Chapter Seven: What Really Matters

11 months and no gig. This was going to be harder then I thought. The small clubs wont even play us. We have been trying hard to get ourselves noticed, but no one in this damn place will even listen. Even people on our Myspace page wont even listen. It's like you try hard to do something and nobody cares. Your parents even tell you, and directly tell you, that if you try hard, you will succeed. Well, bullshit, mom and dad. It's not the case in this world. You try hard, give your all, and all you get in return is spit upon by everyone in the world who actually are the ones who judge if we are good or not. Who are they? Who the fuck do they think they are? God? Do they think they can run the world, because they actually do. They run this world.
I was finally able to get a job two months ago, but not as much as I was hoping. Since I was going to school, I could only work part-time, so I didn't get as much as I wanted, but my bank balance was finally back up to $3000. I didn't want to spend it. I wanted to keep it as safe money, just in case something happened, which a fear I had.
I was sitting at home when Stan got the call from this place in Los Angeles, rejecting us for a show. Instead, they wanted to go with some band that sound like every other shitty band in this world. We were so big in our hometown, but out here we're nothing. We tried so heard to make a name for ourselves, but every attempt went belly up. After several tries to get into some of the local clubs, we decided to put on a garage show and invite a bunch of people. That proved to be even more of a disaster. Only four people showed up and we instead went to the mall to drown our sorrows in some food. What did we have to do to get noticed?
I laid my head against the couch and watched as Stan dropped the phone next to me. Adam was sitting in a chair we found in a dumpster a month ago. We had to sell our big couch and replace it with this tiny little loveseat. Stan sat down with a dismayed look on this face. "Life sucks." He finally utter.
"I knew this was a bad idea." I said. Adam looked at us both. He had an angry look on his face. He, out of all of us, was getting the most frustrated. He left behind a good job will an even better future, but left it behind for this band. The way it sounded started to catch up with him. "I can't believe I listen to you guys." He paused for a second so his mind could filter the words we wanted to express. "I was up for a promotion at the factory, I could of went to a community college, got my associates degree and started a real job."
"Come on man, it was all our fault. We didn‘t know this would happen." Stan said.
"No, it was your fault." He pointed his finger at him. "You were the one who thought this was a great idea and you ran with it. I'm sick of living like this. We haven't a gig since the talent show and we fucked up our lives by moving here. What were we think in listening to you."
"Hey, at least I got an idea. I wanted to save this band. This was the only thing I really cared about. You guys are like brothers and I didn't want to watch it die."
"Well, let it die. Move on with your life.” He paused for a moment, “I'm out of here." He grabbed his jacket and stormed out to his truck. Stan got up and followed him, and I followed Stan. He was opening his truck door, throwing some stuff around with an angry fixation. “Where are you going?“ Stan asked.
“Home. I’m going to get my job back”
“Your leaving?”
“Yes. This band is going nowhere. I’m going to jump ship before this gets any worse.”
“How can you do this?”
“Because one of us has to grow up, and it doesn’t look like either of you are getting near it.”
“Come on, just think about it.”
“I’ve thought about it. I’m out of here.” He ran back into the house came back out with a box of clothes and his bass guitar. He threw the stuff into the bed of his truck and ran back into for his last box of stuff. He threw on top of his other box and closed the bed of his truck. “Don’t leave us, man.” I finally said, “We need you. We need our friend.”
“No, what you need is a reality check.” He climbed into the truck and the engine stormed up and he quickly drove off. It was just Stan and I. We retuned into the house and I sat back down onto the couch, thinking quickly. We can we do? I didn’t know. I turned to Stan, who began pacing furiously, rubbing his head as if an idea will come up and we could save this. "We don't need him. He wasn't that great of a bass player. There are fucking high school kids with more talent then him."
"Dude, what are we going to do?"
"We are going to go find a new guy and teach all our songs-"
"No, I mean for rent." His face turn on me. "Adam was the one making the most money. He worked full time. Both of us work part time and that’s not enough to pay the rent and live. With him gone, how are we going to pay the rent?"
"What about the band?"
"The band doesn’t matter. How are we going to live?" He took his palm and pressed it against his forehead and rubbed it down his face, as if he was changing faces. I could tell he was surprised by my response. "It doesn't matter?" He asked in disbelief, as if I was joking about it. "It doesn't matter?" He spoke in a higher voice. "Of all people, I thought you would be the only one who would stick by me."
"I am, man, but we have to think about this in more depth."
"More depth? It's just us. The band. Isn't that all we need? Isn't that all the matters?"
"Come on, man. This is our lives here. We can't just waste everything we got on something that might not succeed."
"I thought you were on board." He said with a saddened face. This was not the reaction he was hoping for. Not from his best friend.
"I can't. I have to think about our future. I'm sorry."
"Fine. It's fine." He was trying hard to fight back the tears. This band meant so much to him. More then it did to me or Adam. "Just walk out, man. Just like Adam did." He went outside to the back of the house. I could hear him weeping quietly as I gathered my things. It must be tough to want something so bad, but you can't have it. It's all gone now. Everything we worked for. It's just done.
I quickly gathered all the stuff I had in the house and left. As I went outside, I noticed how clouded and grey the sky was. It was an odd, familiar feeling that it gave to me. It reminded me of my first day at school. It seemed fitting that today would be a day like this, but at the same time I wished these days never existed. I got my stuff in the car and I got into the drivers seat. I looked into the front window of the house and saw Stan looking out at me. He had tears in his eyes. He didn't want to let this die. Adam could easily say that because it didn't mean that much to him. For Stan, his whole life was about music. He didn't want to do anything else but play music. It was his only passion. For me it was the same, but I had lived a life of back-up plans. If thing didn't go according to plan, there was always a back-up. I had something of a back-up plan in my head, but Stan had nothing. He didn't think of anything because he put so much faith into this that it hits harder when we fall. I pulled away as I looked at Stan. I finally turned and went into the other direction. I didn't want to go home, but I couldn't stay here. I needed to find a new place. I drove around for a while and found a motel. It was kind of old and dingy, but it would work. I entered the office and found an old man working there. We had his eye occupied on a fishing magazine. He forced his eyes away and looked onto me. "What can I do you for?"
"Yeah, I need a room."
"Sure, any preference?"
"Do you have any with an internet connection?"
"Sorry, we don't have that, but there is one of those cafes up the street if you want."
"Thanks." I got my room key and took the essentials out of my car and into the room. It was a small room with a flower wallpaper, two singles beds and a TV. I put my suitcases next to the bed and laid my body on the bed. I stared at the ceiling and thought. Was this how I expected to spend my first week of vacation? Was this what my life was going to be like? I never thought this would happen. My first year of college was gone and I wasn't sure what the second year would bring. Would there be another year? Would this all just end right now. I quickly shook my ideas out of my head and went for the internet cafe. I drove to a little cafe called Phish and Microchips and paid my money for internet use. I quickly started looking for a new place to live. I spent hours searching through the classifieds and found nothing. Finally, by the grace of god, there was a apartment complex renting right now. It was small and only $450 a month. I could survive to at least the end of college. Then what? Become a doctor or a lawyer? I didn't want it. To be honest, I didn't know what I wanted. Thinking Stan face, I could imagine what he must be thinking right now. What he was going to do. I don't blame any of this on Stan, or Adam. I blame it all on society. Our efforts to prove ourselves exceptional ended up going belly up. What was wrong with the world. It wasn't us. We were trying make our lives, yet no one cared. Did anyone cared? Is there and ounce of caring in this world? I figured no. With what I was facing and what I have been through, it's easy for me to say that. With that thought known, I needed to get to that address and secure a room before I lose it.
I was about to leave when I realized I hadn't been on my diaper sites in a while. I looked around and saw I was in a nice, unoccupied area and slowly opened up my laptop. I entered the name of the site and logged in. I looked at my messages and saw it read zero. I went to sent messages and saw that all my messages have been deleted over time. Nothing was in the there. I then proceeded to my friends category. Although I've never talked to her, I grew the courage to add her as a friend. I saw my small list of diaper friends, consisting of only ten or eleven people, and I didn't see her picture. I naturally thought the worse. Did she delete me? Did she delete herself? Was she just a scammer? I entered her screen name and nothing popped up. I then began to scroll through the list of females on this website. I knew enough about her through looking at her people to narrow down my search. I tried every method and no avail. She was gone. She never responded, at least I don't think. She was gone now, though, and I will never know. Thanks a lot, you shitty day.