11 months and no gig. This was going to be harder then I thought. The small clubs wont even play us. We have been trying hard to get ourselves noticed, but no one in this damn place will even listen. Even people on our Myspace page wont even listen. It's like you try hard to do something and nobody cares. Your parents even tell you, and directly tell you, that if you try hard, you will succeed. Well, bullshit, mom and dad. It's not the case in this world. You try hard, give your all, and all you get in return is spit upon by everyone in the world who actually are the ones who judge if we are good or not. Who are they? Who the fuck do they think they are? God? Do they think they can run the world, because they actually do. They run this world.
I was finally able to get a job two months ago, but not as much as I was hoping. Since I was going to school, I could only work part-time, so I didn't get as much as I wanted, but my bank balance was finally back up to $3000. I didn't want to spend it. I wanted to keep it as safe money, just in case something happened, which a fear I had.
I was sitting at home when Stan got the call from this place in Los Angeles, rejecting us for a show. Instead, they wanted to go with some band that sound like every other shitty band in this world. We were so big in our hometown, but out here we're nothing. We tried so heard to make a name for ourselves, but every attempt went belly up. After several tries to get into some of the local clubs, we decided to put on a garage show and invite a bunch of people. That proved to be even more of a disaster. Only four people showed up and we instead went to the mall to drown our sorrows in some food. What did we have to do to get noticed?
I laid my head against the couch and watched as Stan dropped the phone next to me. Adam was sitting in a chair we found in a dumpster a month ago. We had to sell our big couch and replace it with this tiny little loveseat. Stan sat down with a dismayed look on this face. "Life sucks." He finally utter.
"I knew this was a bad idea." I said. Adam looked at us both. He had an angry look on his face. He, out of all of us, was getting the most frustrated. He left behind a good job will an even better future, but left it behind for this band. The way it sounded started to catch up with him. "I can't believe I listen to you guys." He paused for a second so his mind could filter the words we wanted to express. "I was up for a promotion at the factory, I could of went to a community college, got my associates degree and started a real job."
"Come on man, it was all our fault. We didn‘t know this would happen." Stan said.
"No, it was your fault." He pointed his finger at him. "You were the one who thought this was a great idea and you ran with it. I'm sick of living like this. We haven't a gig since the talent show and we fucked up our lives by moving here. What were we think in listening to you."
"Hey, at least I got an idea. I wanted to save this band. This was the only thing I really cared about. You guys are like brothers and I didn't want to watch it die."
"Well, let it die. Move on with your life.” He paused for a moment, “I'm out of here." He grabbed his jacket and stormed out to his truck. Stan got up and followed him, and I followed Stan. He was opening his truck door, throwing some stuff around with an angry fixation. “Where are you going?“ Stan asked.
“Home. I’m going to get my job back”
“Your leaving?”
“Yes. This band is going nowhere. I’m going to jump ship before this gets any worse.”
“How can you do this?”
“Because one of us has to grow up, and it doesn’t look like either of you are getting near it.”
“Come on, just think about it.”
“I’ve thought about it. I’m out of here.” He ran back into the house came back out with a box of clothes and his bass guitar. He threw the stuff into the bed of his truck and ran back into for his last box of stuff. He threw on top of his other box and closed the bed of his truck. “Don’t leave us, man.” I finally said, “We need you. We need our friend.”
“No, what you need is a reality check.” He climbed into the truck and the engine stormed up and he quickly drove off. It was just Stan and I. We retuned into the house and I sat back down onto the couch, thinking quickly. We can we do? I didn’t know. I turned to Stan, who began pacing furiously, rubbing his head as if an idea will come up and we could save this. "We don't need him. He wasn't that great of a bass player. There are fucking high school kids with more talent then him."
"Dude, what are we going to do?"
"We are going to go find a new guy and teach all our songs-"
"No, I mean for rent." His face turn on me. "Adam was the one making the most money. He worked full time. Both of us work part time and that’s not enough to pay the rent and live. With him gone, how are we going to pay the rent?"
"What about the band?"
"The band doesn’t matter. How are we going to live?" He took his palm and pressed it against his forehead and rubbed it down his face, as if he was changing faces. I could tell he was surprised by my response. "It doesn't matter?" He asked in disbelief, as if I was joking about it. "It doesn't matter?" He spoke in a higher voice. "Of all people, I thought you would be the only one who would stick by me."
"I am, man, but we have to think about this in more depth."
"More depth? It's just us. The band. Isn't that all we need? Isn't that all the matters?"
"Come on, man. This is our lives here. We can't just waste everything we got on something that might not succeed."
"I thought you were on board." He said with a saddened face. This was not the reaction he was hoping for. Not from his best friend.
"I can't. I have to think about our future. I'm sorry."
"Fine. It's fine." He was trying hard to fight back the tears. This band meant so much to him. More then it did to me or Adam. "Just walk out, man. Just like Adam did." He went outside to the back of the house. I could hear him weeping quietly as I gathered my things. It must be tough to want something so bad, but you can't have it. It's all gone now. Everything we worked for. It's just done.
I quickly gathered all the stuff I had in the house and left. As I went outside, I noticed how clouded and grey the sky was. It was an odd, familiar feeling that it gave to me. It reminded me of my first day at school. It seemed fitting that today would be a day like this, but at the same time I wished these days never existed. I got my stuff in the car and I got into the drivers seat. I looked into the front window of the house and saw Stan looking out at me. He had tears in his eyes. He didn't want to let this die. Adam could easily say that because it didn't mean that much to him. For Stan, his whole life was about music. He didn't want to do anything else but play music. It was his only passion. For me it was the same, but I had lived a life of back-up plans. If thing didn't go according to plan, there was always a back-up. I had something of a back-up plan in my head, but Stan had nothing. He didn't think of anything because he put so much faith into this that it hits harder when we fall. I pulled away as I looked at Stan. I finally turned and went into the other direction. I didn't want to go home, but I couldn't stay here. I needed to find a new place. I drove around for a while and found a motel. It was kind of old and dingy, but it would work. I entered the office and found an old man working there. We had his eye occupied on a fishing magazine. He forced his eyes away and looked onto me. "What can I do you for?"
"Yeah, I need a room."
"Sure, any preference?"
"Do you have any with an internet connection?"
"Sorry, we don't have that, but there is one of those cafes up the street if you want."
"Thanks." I got my room key and took the essentials out of my car and into the room. It was a small room with a flower wallpaper, two singles beds and a TV. I put my suitcases next to the bed and laid my body on the bed. I stared at the ceiling and thought. Was this how I expected to spend my first week of vacation? Was this what my life was going to be like? I never thought this would happen. My first year of college was gone and I wasn't sure what the second year would bring. Would there be another year? Would this all just end right now. I quickly shook my ideas out of my head and went for the internet cafe. I drove to a little cafe called Phish and Microchips and paid my money for internet use. I quickly started looking for a new place to live. I spent hours searching through the classifieds and found nothing. Finally, by the grace of god, there was a apartment complex renting right now. It was small and only $450 a month. I could survive to at least the end of college. Then what? Become a doctor or a lawyer? I didn't want it. To be honest, I didn't know what I wanted. Thinking Stan face, I could imagine what he must be thinking right now. What he was going to do. I don't blame any of this on Stan, or Adam. I blame it all on society. Our efforts to prove ourselves exceptional ended up going belly up. What was wrong with the world. It wasn't us. We were trying make our lives, yet no one cared. Did anyone cared? Is there and ounce of caring in this world? I figured no. With what I was facing and what I have been through, it's easy for me to say that. With that thought known, I needed to get to that address and secure a room before I lose it.
I was about to leave when I realized I hadn't been on my diaper sites in a while. I looked around and saw I was in a nice, unoccupied area and slowly opened up my laptop. I entered the name of the site and logged in. I looked at my messages and saw it read zero. I went to sent messages and saw that all my messages have been deleted over time. Nothing was in the there. I then proceeded to my friends category. Although I've never talked to her, I grew the courage to add her as a friend. I saw my small list of diaper friends, consisting of only ten or eleven people, and I didn't see her picture. I naturally thought the worse. Did she delete me? Did she delete herself? Was she just a scammer? I entered her screen name and nothing popped up. I then began to scroll through the list of females on this website. I knew enough about her through looking at her people to narrow down my search. I tried every method and no avail. She was gone. She never responded, at least I don't think. She was gone now, though, and I will never know. Thanks a lot, you shitty day.
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