Well, it's official. I need to do something. Life is truly starting to get too lifeless. I needed to do something now or die, because that is what I am doing to myself. I am letting all my hopes and dreams die. Really, is this were I want to be in ten years? Is this where I want to be now? No friends, no love life, sitting home alone in a diaper. I don't think so. I've let myself get too comfortable in this situation for too long. It was time to really change my life.
This is one inspiring drive home from work. I thought a lot about what Maya and I talked about yesterday. It consumed my whole mind the rest of yesterday and today. It was one of the first real intimate human contact I've had in a long while, and I liked how it felt. It made me feel happy inside to talk with a living person instead of pushing them away. My day seemed brighter because of it. My work was a little sloppy, too, but the boss was too busy to notice. We just hired a new guy, and he is the epitome of new. No clue whatsoever. I didn't really pay much attention, though. My mind was on fire with inspiration. I didn't know what to do with this new found passion. What could I apply it too? School was over and I had no other outlet. I needed something, but what?
I did a couple half-ass stops at stop sign because, though partly distracted with inspiration, I really needed to pee. My body knew it was in a diaper, but I was doing my best to hold it back. I wanted to re-potty train myself. I know it sounds weird, but its what I wanted. I needed to start somewhere and this was it. I could do this and then take it from there. My tire screeched as my engine died away and I ran up to my apartment. Four flights of stairs never seemed so difficult before. I finally reached my level and ran to my apartment door at the very end of the hallway. I stopped, almost skidding off the rail, over the edge and to the ground below. My hand jumbled my keys, but it was too late. The pain was too much. My bladder let loose and I felt the warm sensation of failure fill my already soaked diaper. Now, I just needed to go inside and change myself and try again later.
I entered my silent apartment and went into my bedroom. I took off my pants and removed my soaked diaper. My hands neatly folded it and tossed it into the pail directly behind me. I cleaned my private area and put some baby powder that I had stashed in the closet along with my other baby accessories. Sometimes, when I absolutely have nothing to do, I just lay in bed in a diaper, sucking on a pacifier and holding a stuffed animal I won at a fair a long time ago. It reminded me of a simpler time. It made me feel better in a weird way. I guess I'm slowly turning into an adult baby since then. I used to be just a diaper lover, but with all that is not happening with my life, I sought a new kind of way to waste my time. I knew I wanted to put it aside to change my situation, but do I really want to give it up? I didn't know. It's so much apart of me, do I really need to give it up to make myself happy. So many question, so little solution. Perhaps I should just wait and think about it, and maybe I can find my answer.
I unfolded a fresh diaper and fastened it around me and went straight for my couch. I was going to watch TV until I felt the need to pee, then I was rush to the bathroom. I didn't anything else to do, so I'll potty train myself in my spare hours. As the TV lit up, I thought about completely getting rid of my diaper fetish. What would life be like if I did? Would I be a more confident person? Why did I start wearing to begin with? I felt the partly sexual urge to wear them when I was younger. When I finally did, it felt relieving in a way. Since then, it became less sexual and more spiritual. It seemed to be my only connection to the simple time in my life before I start kindergarten. Was it a stress relief, or a life relief? Did I wear to make life easier or to make life easier to deal with? What kind of relief was I looking for, and can I still get it now? Damn questions.
A soft knock rapt at my door. Who could it be this time? "One second!" I shouted as I went to grab my pants, put them on and went to the door. I opened to see Naomi with a very concerned look on her face. "Hey, Brian." She said before I could even utter a word. "Can I come in?"
"Yes, by all means."
"Thank you." She said as I widened the door to let her come inside. She passed me and stood by my couch, looking around. "Is there something wrong?" I asked, addressing the concerned expression evident on her brow.
"I just wanted to apologize if Maya offended you in any way by asking about your condition."
"What?"
"Your condition?"
"My condition?"
"Your bladder control problem?"
"No, kids just have a natural curiosity."
"Listen, if I had known, I would have told her to keep quiet about it."
"Yeah, I do my best keep it a secret." I felt now was the time to be open about this. Naomi was nice and a very understanding person. However, she might think I'm a freak and never take Maya anywhere near me again. What did I have to lose? Nothing, really. "Please, take a seat."
"I can't stay long. Maya is in her room. I kind of gave her a little scowl because she told me what you two talked about yesterday."
"Hey, she has every right to ask. I would never be offended by a child’s natural ability to question everything they see." I said as I sat down.
"I'm glad you are not upset."
"Oh, no need to apologize."
"So, how did you become incontinent?"
"Uh, well, that was a little fib I told on my part." Here it goes...
"Excuse me?"
"Well, I am not incontinent."
"But you told Maya-"
"Yeah, because she could not understand why I really wear adult diapers."
"Why do you where adult diapers?"
"Well, it's kind of hard to explain."
"I'm all ears, Brian."
"Promise you are not going to get all grossed out and stuff?"
"I promise. What is it?"
"Well, have you ever heard of a fetish?"
"Oh, you are one of those people." She said, already showing a tone of understanding in her voice.
"What?"
"I've heard of them before. Diaper fetishist, right?"
"Yeah." I said stunned and confused
"So you wear... because you like it?"
"I used to, but now I have to because I have to because I lost control."
"You mean?..."
"Yep."
"Oh. I understand." A short paused came between us.
"So," I hesitated as I searched for the words. "You are not creeped out at all"
"No, I understand fully. I took a psychology class when I was in high school. As a project, we had to do a research paper on human sexuality. Some guy did his on that and I did more research into it. I thought it was weird at first, but then I was more fascinated by it. The whole reasoning behind I thought nice. The desire to revert back to a stage of comfort and no worry was pretty cool."
"Really?"
"Psychology was one of my favorite classes. I had it my junior year before I got pregnant with Maya. I was able to finish before I had to leave school."
"Wow."
"Yeah, I was really big into the human psych?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. I first got into it when I did research on the root of racism and a teacher recommended that I look into why people hate and discriminate."
"Oh, I see."
"I would have continued with it, but Maya came and..."
"I see. That’s kind of cool."
"Why do you wear them?"
"Well, at first it was almost sexual. Then it became some sort of a security blanket that kind of made me feel safe and secure."
"I see." A small pause disrupted our conversation. "This is kind of relieving. I thought you would be like, 'Oh, don't come near my daughter again', you know?" I relayed to her my initial thought over this.
"I know. It's a tough world for people to be excepted in. I would never be a person to judge someone by there differences. I mean, I was half-white, half-black kid growing up. My mom and dads relationship was looked down upon by a lot of people. I know what it's like to be scared to be yourself and to be afraid about being judged by others."
"Yeah, thank you for understanding." Suddenly, the light that shown in from the window created a glow around her. She looked more beautiful in that moment. I never realized how beautiful she was. In the heat of the moment, my mouth worked ahead of me. "Say, you want to have dinner some time?" At first, I thought she would reject me because of my new truth. I was not expecting what I got. "You know, I would love to." She said with a smile, "But just as friends, okay?"
"Yeah, sure."
"I see you here alone quite a bit, Brian. I think you need a friend."
"Yeah, I guess you are right. So, does tomorrow sound good?"
"Yeah, sure. eight o' clock?"
"Yeah." We stood up and walked to the door together. I opened the door, like the natural gentlemen I was raised to be, and smiled as she left. "Bye. See you tomorrow at eight."
"Yeah. Bye, Brian" She said with a bright tone in her voice. My door closed and I felt the world inside me celebrating the fact that life may not be going nowhere for me. Perhaps it's going somewhere.
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