What happened to my life? How did I get here? How did everything just fall apart? At first the world is right in front of you, then it's gone with everything vanishing with it. Where did I go wrong? Was it all my fault? Or was the world to blame? I don't know anymore.
The sunlight poked through the small opening of my blinds on to the floor and my treadmill as I walked through my small, cheap apartment. I sat down on the couch and peered back at my bedroom, which had enough room for a bed and a night stand. My closet is where I had to put my dresser that I bought about a year ago. Until then, I just put my clothes on the floor. That’s all I had, too. I sold my laptop, guitars and my amp two years ago for extra money. That was before I got a raise and a promotion. Now, I don't even know if I want them back. I've given up on music, which is something I thought would never happen. It happened, nonetheless.
Across from my bedroom was my bathroom. When I first moved in here three years ago, it was dirty and disgusting. I had since taken the bravery to clean it and make it sanitary. Then there was my living room. I had a TV up against the wall that housed my bathroom behind it. Across the TV was my couch and coffee table. To my right I had blinds covering a sliding glass door that led out to a small balcony. In front of the blinds was a treadmill I brought from an old lady who was about ready to sing her final song before death's applause. It gave me something to do. I would often run on it for an hour or two, just thinking. Being in motion really helped me think about things. It helped me stay in shape, too, which was a bonus. To my left, I had a kitchen that held many types of junk food. I didn't care what I ate, as long as if was cheap and easy to make. This is where the treadmill comes in handy, too. This was my new home.
I sat quietly on the couch changing through the channels on my twenty inch flat screen I got as a gift from my mom and dad. I was overjoyed to think that, even when life was down, my family picked me up a little. It's nice to know that someone cares about you when you're down. I can never go back, though. Not like this. I tried so hard to make sure I didn't go back. After all I did to leave, I was to afraid to go back there. Maybe pride is too strong a sense for it's own good. I had no work today, as it was Sunday, and I finally graduated with an associates and a bachelors degree in English. It's not what I wanted, but it was my only option. It was getting down to the wire and I didn't want to put anymore money into school if I couldn't decide. How did I decide? I flipped a goddamn coin.
So I sat here, alone in my apartment, in a t-shirt and, of course, a diaper. Ever since I moved in here, I started to wear non-stop. It was one of the few upsides to this drastic change. I would come home after school or after work and put a diaper on until I had to leave again. Weekends saw no action in my bathroom. I decided to use my diaper for all its intents and purposes because I didn't care. I would be sitting down, inches from the toilet, soiling myself because I could. At night, every night, I would wear a diaper to bed and wake up with a feeling wanting to soil myself, and I did. Eventually, my body lost control.
It was a weird day when it went. When I walked outside, the world felt still and was like everyone was gone. I walked down the street to the corner store to get some groceries. I good the usual stuff, said hello to the lady at the cash register and paid for my items. I walked back and climbed the stairs to my room on the fourth level. Two feet away from my door, I felt my pants were wet. I looked down to see my jeans had a giant wet spot going down my pants. I quickly entered my apartment before anyone around noticed. The following weeks, I tried to go without a diaper, but eventually, I caved. I couldn't control it, but I gave it little effort, as I didn't care. I started wearing to school and work. My clothes covertly disguised and muffled the sound, but I knew what was there. Even if the world was oblivious to my problem, I wasn't. I was forced to caring extra back-up diapers in my car and in my bag. I made sure that I didn't lose complete control, so I still use the toilet, but the damage is done. I hope I will be able to fix it, but really, what is the point? Is there anything to look forward to? I don't even know anymore.
So who should I blame? Should I blame myself? The world? Maybe I should just take everything and throw it at someone just to make myself feel better. Would it? No, it wouldn't. Everything is my fault. It wasn't Stan or Adam's fault. It wasn't Mandy, my sister, mother, or father. It wasn't even Samantha Walter's fault. It was all my own. Every problem came with a choice, and I made the wrong choice every time. When my first day of Kindergarten was hell, It was because I let be hell. I didn't have to let it bother me. I could of easily rolled it off my shoulder. I could of easily let all the insults not bother me, but I let them. I let my them win, but I had a choice. They didn't have to win. I could of won, but I didn't try. I just kept blaming my problems on them. It truly is all my fault.
Why don't I change? Am I comfortable in this mess I created for myself. I guess I am. The only reason I bring up these horrible memories is it gives me something to think about in my solitude. I've cut myself off from the world. I don't talk to anybody at work. I didn't make any friends at my school. I didn't go to parties, shows, or any type of a social gathering other then the traditional family holidays where I would go up and meet the folks. I haven't spoken to Stan of Adam since I left the apartment. So what did I do? I thought. I would spend my days alone in my apartment in a diaper thinking about my life and all my options. I would run on the treadmill and think. It was all I would do. I had nothing else I wanted in life. It seems like I'm kind of living my dream life. I have a sure way to make a good living, I live in solitude and I get to where diapers 24/7. Why aren’t I happy? I guess even heaven has it's bad days.
On this early Sunday morning, I decided to continue my solitude. Hey, why break this perfect mold that I created for myself. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy either. Just dissatisfied. Maybe play a couple video games, watch a few movies, and maybe run for a while. That usually makes me happy in a sad sort of way. What an eventful day to look forward to. As I began to collect my motivation to get my eventful day started, three quick knocks rapt at my door. Who could it be? I wasn't expecting anyone, or was I? I could of forgotten. It's possible. I quickly get to my feet and speak out. "Who is it?"
"It's Naomi." A soft but firm voice answered, muffled by the door. Naomi was my neighbor. She lives about three doors down from me. I wonder what she could need from me. "One second." I shouted back. I walked quickly to my bedroom and picked up some pants. My leg shoved themselves into my jeans as quickly as they could. I checked to see if my zipper was up and if my diaper was showing, which it wasn't. Nobody knows and I intend on keeping it that way. It's not a matter of shame, but a matter of privacy. I walked to the door and opened it. There stood Naomi. Her hazel eyes were fixated on me. Her black hair was neatly brushed and laid against her light, ebony skin like it was connected. Holding her hand was her six year old daughter, Maya. She was dressed in a bright yellow dress with pink flowers printed on it and had a yellow ribbon in her hair. She stared up at me and looked as if she was disappointed. Naomi's look was more concerned and frustrated, however. "Hey, Brian."
"Hey." We've spoken before. I've caught her, on several occasions, carrying many bags of groceries and always offered my help. She is a nice person who has had a run of bad luck in her life. I can trust her. I know I don't have to block her out. She can be trusted. It's not a question of whether she can, though, but if I can. I know I can.
"Listen, my babysitter is sick and I have no one to look after Maya. Could you please?"
"Yeah, sure. No problem." I said with a reassured voice. I had no reason to object and I could never have made myself do so.
"Oh, thank you." Maya and Naomi entered hand and hand into my apartment, which, in my hours of solitude, managed to keep itself clean and sanitary. Maya let go of Naomi's hand and walked further into my apartment. She looked around, satisfying her curious nature which Naomi has told me about. "You can make yourself comfy on the couch." I said to her as she continued to look around. Her eyes never took off of the settings of my apartment, but her feet moved in the direction of my couch. I turned my head back to Naomi, who was searching through her bag for something. Her hands savaged through her purse and find what they are looking for. She pulled them out holding several movies, most of which are Disney. "Let her watch these movies. I should be back from my rounds around four. You don't mind watching her for that long?"
"Oh, no, not at all."
"Thank you again." She walked over to Maya, who has already seated herself on the couch and is still analyzing the apartment. She placed the movies on my coffee table and crouches down next to her. "Now, Maya. Are you going to be a good girl for me and behave for Brian."
"Yes, mommy." She says, making the missing teeth in her mouth known. She placed her hand on the daughters face and gently rubs it as she smiles. She stood and walked back over to me. She rummaged through her purse for a little piece of paper and wrote down a jumble of numbers, then handed it to me. "Here is my number. Call me if anything goes wrong. I will be at St. Paul Hospital."
"Yeah, don't worry, she'll be fine." I assured her. She took one look back at her daughter and left through the open door, closing it behind her. She is a nice person who has been through a lot. She is 22, like me, only slightly younger. She had Maya when she was sixteen and was dumped by her jackass boyfriend, whom I'm told is in jail for drug issues and grand theft auto. She went back to school after Maya was born was able to get her GED. She went to nursing school and became a registered nurse not to long ago. Her mother helped her out as best she could, but she died of lung cancer after she got her degree. She had been suffering a long time and she died in her sleep, which I think makes Naomi a little bit more content with herself. God, to live the life she has had, my compliant make me look like an asshole. I hope she can do alright, though. If she can manage her money right, she and her daughter, Maya, might live a nice life. I wish more for her, though.
I turn back to see Maya sitting on the couch. I set the piece of paper down by my phone, walked over to the blinds and opened them for sunlight. I turned to her to see her eyes are pierced on me and my every action. "What is this?" She points her finger to my treadmill. I figured she must have not seen one before. "It's a treadmill." I started, "You can run on it."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you just press these buttons on it to set what speed you want to run at and this thing," I put my hand on the part that moves, a name I can never remember, "It moves and you can walk and run on it."
"Neat." She said in a voice was trying to sound impressed, but sounded more tired that anything.
"So, you want to watch a movie?"
"Yes, please." She goes to the movies and pick one out. "This one, please." She says politely as she holds the movie in the air. It has a picture of a robot on the front and is made by a familiar name famous for making computer generated movies. I've seen it many times before. "You like this one?" I asked her.
"Yes. I think it's funny."
"Okay, lets watch."
The movie was rather entertaining. I've never seen it before, but I heard a lot about it. It had a lot different stuff in it. It mixed romance and politics with robots and comedy so well, I'm actually thinking of getting it myself. Those writers are pretty talented. I looked at Maya, who was watching the credits intently. "Who are all those people? Do you know?" She asked so innocently
"Those are the people who made the movie."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"What did they do?"
"Maya, that’s something I don't even know. I just know they are good at what they do."
"Can we watch another one?"
"Sure." I got up and grabbed one of the DVDs and went over to the DVD player. The player ejected the finished movie and was replaced by another movie, which was also made by the same people. The player closed and the blue screen went black, beginning the trailers for future movies to come. I went back to my couch and sat back down with Maya, who's eyes were fixed on my every action. She broke the silence by asking a question that I was not expecting. "Are you wearing a diaper?"
"What?" I was lost in all events that I forgot completely that I was indeed wearing a diaper. She must have noticed it when I was bending over, replacing the movies.
"Is that a diaper?"
"Uh..." I thought hard on how to respond. Every reason for why I was wearing what I was wearing was far to complex for a child to understand. She doesn't anything about sex and trying to explain a fetish or desire would just go right over her head. She, however, gave me my reason.
"Are you incotinat?", She asked, mispronouncing the word. Where did she hear that before? A child that young knowing a medical condition off the top of her head? Maybe Maya is brighter then Naomi talks about. It hit me like sudden realization of an obvious fact. Her mom's a nurse. She must have heard her mom use that word before for her patients who can't use the bathroom. Of course, she would also explain why some adults need bed pans, or adult diapers.
"Yes." I jumped on that excuse to explain my situation. It's a partial lie, but it beats the truth and having to explain all the reasons.
"Really?"
"Yes. I was in a car accident when I was in high school and I've needed to wear adult diapers since." Obviously, a lie required more lies to follow suit. It wont hurt her in any way, thinking that I am incontinent. Perhaps it's the safer solution in this rare case of it being okay to lie.
"Did you get picked on a lot?"
"I would have, but I hid it well."
"Really?"
"Yeah." The DVD finally reached the menu screen and I was about to press play when her curiosity continued. "Do you like wearing diapers?" She asked.
"Well, sometimes. Other times it's a hassle."
"Yeah, I liked it too, but my mommy said I had to be potty trained for kindergarten."
"Well, we all had to be potty trained for school."
"I was scared my first day of kindergarten."
"Really, why?"
"Because me and my mommy are always together, and the kids were really scary."
"Yeah, it can be like that."
"Were you scared on your first day?"
"Yes."
"You were?" She said amazed at the fact an adult can be scared.
"Yeah, absolutely terrified. My mom always kept me close to home and I never had much human contact until I started."
"Really, no friends."
"Yeah, I had no friends until high school."
"Wow, that’s sounds bad."
"Yeah, but somehow I got used to it."
"Do you still have friends now?" I paused for a moment. Why I am able to open up to this little girl is beyond me. Maybe it's her innocence, or maybe the fact that I can explain things to her on a simple level. "No, unfortunately." I regretfully stated. Her eyes lit up with amazement. "No friends!?"
"No. I haven't spoken to them in a long while."
"Why?"
"We just don't."
"Do you miss them sometimes?"
"Yeah, I do."
We continued to talk and watch movies until Naomi knocked on my door at 4:30. I got up and answered politely. "Hey," I turned my head to the couch. "Maya, you mom is here."
"Sorry I am late."
"No problem at all." She walked in as Maya grabbed her stuff and ran into her mom's arms. What a wonderful feeling to know your own mother's touch when you little. I miss that feeling sometimes. Naomi released her daughter from her arms and stood up to my level. She began to reach into her purse of her wallet. "How much would you like?"
"No, don't worry about it."
"Are you sure?"
"No, I would never dream of taking your money. Maya and I had a fun time."
"Oh, okay. Thank you, Brian. You're incredible." She said relieved and relaxed.
"Yeah, you're welcome. If you ever need it again, don't hesitate to ask."
"Thank you." She said one more time as she left. I closed the door and returned to my couch. I flipped through the channels, but thought about what Maya said. I do miss my friends, and sometimes I wish we could have the good ol' days back. When we would just not let the world bother us with our action, allowing us to do many things. Those days were precious. Now, life is going nowhere
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