Christ. What could this mean? What is going on right now? Why is she here? Is this destiny, or am I having some sort of disillusion? Am I sick? Is there a god? Is he setting out our fate to be intertwined at predestined dates? Or is this all a dramatic coincidence, having no meaning at all? I’m so frightened, so confused.
She walked away, not looking back once. I stood alone in the aisle, holding onto a CD I was looking at before she asked me if I was alright. I was stunned be her very appearance. Never did I think I would see her in person. She was just as beautiful. I knew it was her. Her face was so recognizable. I could spot it in a crowded room. Now, I stand here, trying to wonder if this is all real. That dream, it’s really starting to scare me. First Michelle, now her. She’s been on my mind since I first saw her when I was 17 years old. Now, I’m 23, out of college, working at a music store as a store clerk and playing guitar in a punk band, and she still is on my mind. Steve told me I should get over her, but I can’t seem to find a way. The fact that I don’t know a single thing about her except for what my fantasy brings makes her all the more desirable. Here she was, Brian, now what are you going to do? What are you going to do?
From behind me, Stan casually walked up and startled me with his hand on my shoulder. “Wo, man. You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing.”
“You going to get that?”, He said pointing to the CD in my hand.
“Naw.”
“You know you should do?”
“What?”
“Buy WOW and start playing with me and Jimmy.”
“No, I’ll pass.”
“Oh, you are going to start playing and it will consume you.”
“I’m fine. I got work and the band, I’m fine with that,”
“Just saying. It’s fun.”
“You find your movie?”
“Right here.” He held it up and tapped it with his index finger.
“Cool, Let’s get out of here.” Stan followed me to the register. We got into a small line, waiting behind two women, both looking like they had no relationship to one another. One of the cash registers opened up and the woman in front filled it’s spot. She looked whipped, almost. The other was very well groomed, having very pretty hair and eyes covered by large, studded glasses. The whipped woman left, having paid for her items and the other woman took her place. Stan caught my attention by asking a question, “So, got any new ideas for the band?”
“A few. I’ve been fucking around on the guitar, making up some new stuff.”
“You know, Jimmy knows some people.”
“What kind of people?”
“Some people, like Anthony Calvin.”
“Anthony Calvin? The dude from Stereo Demon ?”
“Yep.”
“Man, their last CD was vicious.”
“Yeah. Jimmy’s sister dated a roadie from the last tour and he hooked them up with some pretty good gear, so now they’re tight.”
“So, what does this mean?”
“Anthony heard our shit and liked it. He’s thinking about getting us a contract?”
“What the fuck?”
“Yeah.”
“We just barely got back on our feet. We even haven’t recorded anything yet. The shit he‘s hearing is from our senior year. More then five years old.”
“And he likes it.” I caught the words he was saying. He did like it, and that means that the stuff knew could have the potential to blow him away. I would hesitate to think so.
“I don’t think this is the proper place to discuss this.” I said, “Let’s get Michelle and talk about this our loft.”
“Okay, that’s a good idea.”
Stan and I returned to our loft and called Michelle, telling her we had to have a band meeting. She complied and was over at our loft in less then a half an hour. She came in, greeting us and putting her car keys and purse on our coffee table. “So, what’s with the meeting.” She asked.
“Well, Stan told me about Anthony Calvin from Stereo Demon wanting to give a contract and I wanted to discuss this further with everyone.” I said.
“Oh, Tony, yeah. Jimmy told me about that this morning.”
“What do you think?”
“Well, I’m kind of for it, but it just seems really soon., you know.”
“I’m for it. I really feel ready with what we got. At least for an EP” Stan added.
“It’s just not sitting well with me, Stan.”, I said.
“Yeah, I understand that, but I really feel we are ready for this. I’ve wanted it since High School, I know you two want it too. It just seems like the right thing to do.”
“Yeah, but we haven’t recorded any thing new in five years. We just got back on our feet and did a show, it seems getting a record contract is a little too fast for us.”
“It’s not a giant label like Fat Wreck Chords. It’s something small to get our feet off the ground. We’ll produce the EP, tour a little and if things go well, we’ll have our debut album in a year or two.”
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, Brian. Why did you come and find me to get the band back together?”
“Because I didn’t like where I was-”
“Exactly! Don’t tell me you are not ready because you showed you were ready when you came and found me.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes. Whole heartedly.”
“Michelle?”
“Well, we’ve got nothing to lose. What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Please don’t say that.”
“Brian?” Stan looked at me, sitting in his bean bag chair. “You are the last piece of this punk rock puzzle. You down?”
“I’m just not comfortable with it.”
“Give me just one chance. At least for an EP?” I laid back in the chair I was sitting in with my hands on my face. “I hate you two so much.” was all I could say.
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes…”
“Alright.” Stan leaped up and went to his phone, calling Jimmy. “You wont regret this, Brian.” He yelled from across the loft.
“It’s going to be alright.” Michelle reassured me.
“Yeah, I know. Maybe I’m just too comfortable with never going anywhere.”
“Looks like that’s not the case anymore.”
“What?”
“We’re going somewhere.”
“I guess so.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You look bothered.”
“It’s complicated to explain.”
“What?”
“It’s a girl issue.”
“How so?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, well, I had this dream a while back with this girl in it. Then, today, she popped up at Best Buy and I just feel weird about it.”
“What kind of weird?”
“I don’t know.” I took a breath as she paused to respond.
“You think it’s fate, don’t you?”
“What?”
“You think it’s meant to be.”
“Maybe, but I just feel weird about it.”
“Well, go talk to her.”
“I don’t know. I think it might be strange to go up to her and say, ‘Hey, I had a dream about you and I think you are the love of my life.’”
“You never know until you try.”
“I guess so.”
“You have a confidence issue, don’t you?”
“Not a big one, per se.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll help. Come with me.” Michelle got up and I followed. “Hey, Stan, we’ll be right back, okay?” She shouted.
“Okay.” He shouted right back.
Michelle and I got into her car and drove to the Best Buy. She parked out front, leaving the car quickly. She was moving at a no bull shit pace. This was very Michelle. She had her mind set on something, not letting the slightest obstacle get in her way. We entered the store and walked around until her face caught my eye. The girl with no identity stuck out like a sore thumb. She was working at a register. No lines were apparent. I pointed her out to Michelle. Michelle keyed in on her and dragged me to the video game section. She pulled out a large box with the words “World of Warcraft: Battlechest” on the front in big, bold letters. “Take this and go buy it from her.”
“But I don’t want it.”
“Tough. Love means sacrifice.”
“Did Stan put you up to this?”
“No, he didn’t. This is the video game area, it would seem odd you came up there with anything else but a video game. Plus, it really is a fun game and you should at least give it a try.”
“You play, too?”
“Brian, that’s not the point. I’m just sick of you being alone all the time. You never go anywhere except for shows. All you do is sit on the couch and fiddle with your guitar. You are depressed and I can tell. I’m your friend and I care about you. You need someone, Brian.”
“Okay, so it was Steve?”
“Just go over there and ask her out to lunch!”
“Okay.” I held up my hands in defense and walked over to the register. It occurred to me that, as I got closer, I was the closest then I have ever been before. Every step was a realization of dreams. All I could think of was that I wished I had a diaper on. My newly acquired self control was at it’s limits. Not only that, but I felt vulnerable for some reason. I felt like I needed protection self-consciously. Finally, I’m near her. She greets me with a soft smile and says hello in the prettiest voice, “Hi, how can I help you?”
“Uh,” I placed the games on the counter and utter very quietly, “Just this.”
“Okay.” She maintained a bright smile as she scanned my item for purchase. She stated the total and I held up my debit card, telling her it was debit. I swiped it and entered my pin. She clicked a few keys and had me press ‘okay’. The transaction was over and she put the game into a plastic bad. She smiled and said, “Have a nice day.”
And I turned around. I was too afraid. Off in the distance, Michelle was watching intently, gesturing me to turn around again and ask her out to lunch. This was it. I was too afraid to face it, but this was it. It’s all or nothing. I can’t face myself until I can face her and say I love you. I don’t know you, but I love you. I’m a fool caught in a nightmare of romance. The boat was slowly leaving and it was my turn. I turned, and a squeal. The girl jumped a little and ran into the arms of another guy, kissing him excitingly. She looked so happy. They looked pretty together. She was taken. Little to my knowledge, the boat was already gone. My dreams all smoky and incomplete. It’s all done, now. Michelle came by my side and spoke in the same failed attitude that I felt. “Well, that sucks.”
“I hate my life.”
“Don’t say that. I saw you were about to try. At least you saved yourself the embarrassment of asking out a taken women.”
“Let’s just go.”
“Brian, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I almost tried. That’s the least anyone can ask of me.”
We walked out to the car. Clouds were forming. It was getting dark, too. Hours pass quickly in this town. But it seemed not to bother me. At least not now. Her unavailability made her nothing more then a dream. Maybe it was just a dream to begin with. Dreams are nothing really when you think about them. They are images of what you want. They can not come true, only earned. I made one part come true, and there is nothing I can do about the other part. I tired. That’s all I can do is try.
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